Friday, November 26, 2010

Life And Times Of Harvey The Hound, Volume Three, Part One

No RTPIC this week folks. Wait, wait, don't slit your wrists. Put the razor down. It's going to be ok, we promise.

In place of the coveted and much sought after Roman Turek Profile In Courage Award, we bring to you, dear Reader, for your reading pleasure, the latest installment of DeathHammers epic Life and Times of Harvey The Hound. And folks, this time around, epic is used in the full sense of the word.

For volume three of The Life and Times Of Harvey The Hound is so large, so grandiose in scale and design, that DeathHammer had to separate it into three pieces.

The Shakespearean story takes place amid the settings of the wilds of professional wrestling. Those unfamiliar may want to keep a handy glossary near by.

As crazy as this plot gets, folks, just remember: The only thing real in professional wrestling are the miles and the money.

Bon appetit.
...

"You'll never make it, No one will ever know you existed!"

No, it wasn't Jason Smith telling his family his version of a bed time story.

Saddledome fans were enraged that some WHL post -grad took a shot at Iggy. Fights broke out all over the place, as everyone paired off (except for J-Blow of course), and the donnybrook was on! "Man oh man." Harvey thought to him-self, "Just like the old days." Even better, Raitis Ivanans, squared off at centre ice with whatever punk piece of shit heavy weight the bicycle fucking City of Vancouver Canucks were rocking. Haymakers were being thrown all over the place. The crowd was going nuts. "This was for the belt," Harvey thought...buts when it hit him. It felt like a heart attack, or driving down Elbow Drive. He fell backwards, as he was brought back, back to a time when he wasn’t the best damn mascot in the NHL (AND HE BANGED THIS CHICK!).
...

6 days before The Royal Rumble and the locker room was in utter bedlam. Ratings were down and word was that the old script had been scrapped. This was the WWE though, and everyone knew the winner of the Rumble was going to Wrestlemania, were they'd be crowned the new franchise.

The bookers had their favorites too, and it was easy to see who they were. There were two main factions. First, The Calgary Kids, who were made up of Bret "Hitman" Hart, Theo Fleury, the Brazilian Blind Guy, Dumpster Baby's Dad, the mysterious 13th MAN, and our hero, Harvey The Hound. Their main rivals were The Mad Douches. They were made up of such super stars as Hulk Hogan, Shawn Michaels, Zombie Andre The Giant, Zombie Benoit, and a couple of drunk Rider Fans. The new king of wrestling would come from one of these stables.

The current champ was Sting. He was fine dropping the title to anyone because his contract was running out, and Vince wanted him to lose at The Rumble anyways. Keep in mind that the winner of the belt, and the winner of the Royal Rumble, would control wrestling for years to come.

"Who do you think they're going to put the belt around?"

It didn't matter who asked the question, because everyone knew they were asking Bret.

"Knowing Vince... (Spiting his chew on the ground, looking up slowly, with a grin)...knowing Vince, he'll go with what he knows best, and which could be good for us."

BEEP

A text went out to all the wrestlers from WWE Creative. It read 'MEETING ONE HOUR BEFORE NEXT HOUSE SHOW, ALL PLOT UP TO WRESTLEMANIA WILL BE DISCUSSED.'
...

Everyone was there at the meeting. Too many to list other than Arn Anderson (brother booked!), Batista (in MMA), Big Daddy V (FAT!), Billy Kidman , British Bulldog (WOOP YOUR ASS BOY!), Buddy Rose, Bushwhacker Butch (licked ass), Bushwhacker Luke (licked toes), Butch Reed, Candice, Cherry, Dawn Marie (fired her while pergo's), Dean Malenko, Diamond Dallas Page, Doink (a clown), Duke Droese, Earthquake (DEAD), Gillberg, Goldberg (ended Hitman's career), Hacksaw Jim Duggan (Not Dead), Irwin R. Schyster, Ivory, Jamie Noble, Jazz, JBL (On Fox Business), Jonathan Coachman (on ESPN), Kamala (Legend of Wrestling), Katie Lea, King Kong Bundy (DEAD) Lance Storm, Lilian Garcia, Lita, Luna Vachon (DEAD), Maria, Mickie James (Sings Country), Miss Elizabeth (DEAD), Molly Holly, Randy Savage, Rikishi, Road Warrior Animal (the other one's dead), Ron Simmons, S.D. Jones, Sable (married Brock Lesner), Shawn Michaels (sabotaged careers), Shelton Benjamin (quitter), Sid (stabbed Arn's bro), Slick, Stacy Keibler, Steve Williams (DEAD), Sunny (DEAD), Tajiri, The Hurricane, The Rock (former Stamp), Torrie Wilson, Trish Stratus, Tugboat (DEAD), Ultimate Warrior, Umaga (DEAD), Vader, Virgil, and Yokozuna (DEAD).

Tensions were even higher than normal, as a lot of the wrestler had just finished a line of cocaine, and had also just finished injecting steroids into their butts.

"Sit down, Sit down everyone." Vince's assistant came out, flat as usual, trying to get the room to settle down. "Now that everyone's quite, I'll introduce Vincent Kennedy McMahon!" The lights hit and music started to blare as McMahon came out of his lock room, walking like Mr. Jefferson had some cracker ass crackers to assault, into the docking station they were all meeting in. The room was silent when the music stooped.

"Hello boys. Hot as hell outside, eh?" He said exuberantly, slapping some mid-card reject on the back." I know that you have all been wondering about the direction that the company may be headed in. Let you all be assured that all your jobs are safe, and you will all get a chance to compete, and show the world what talent you were blessed with... until after the Rumble. We are cutting fat after the Rumble. A lot of changes have to be made. A recession out there, you know, many of our fans are hurting. And I'll say to you all, as a man of my word, I will keep the best and most valuable, but cut you if..., I mean give you an employment required drug test to determine if you are healthy enough to be with the company, even if you're a main-eventer or a mid carder. Now here's how it is going to work for the Intercontinental title...

"BULLSHIT!"

Everyone knew who said that. Hollywood Hulk Hogan. "You think you're just gonna drug test me, or some of my boys, and get rid of some of the high salaries? You know how many asses I put into seats tonight, Vince? You know I'm selling out MSG for the Rumble? You know how many PPV buy's I'll rake in on Sunday? Guess how many yellow bandannas I sell, Brother? Cut to the chase Vince, what's going down with the title, and which football stadium am I selling out for Mania?

"The title?"

"Yeah, the mother fucking World Heavyweight Championship, the one that fucking spins." Hogan replied.

"Well Hulk, you're right. Your merchandise sales, and ratings spikes have been a bright spot. But I was thinking of having Sting drop the title to Bret, and then having Sting come back and eliminate you from the Rumble match as a send off."

"If you fucking do that, McMahon, I'll fucking sue you! I have creative control, and Sting will not get his last big over with the audience with me! I'm not jobbing for anyone! Vince, I'm beating Sting, and Bret can..."

"Bret can what?" a new voice chimed in.

"Harvey, please" the Hitman whispered.

"Who the hell interrupted me!"

"Me, Har-V-D. A rookie with the Calgary Kids! You think we're afraid of you, Hukster? We're sick of you trying to control the story, that's why ratings are down! Fuck you old man, your old lady is getting fucked by some kid in your house, in your bed, and he ain't bald either!"

With that said, Hogan and the rest of the Mad Douches walked up to the Kids. Then, without any words, Hollywood spat in Harvey's face, and leg booted him in the chest. Mayhem ensued, as the two factions could barley be separated.

Bret went after Hogan. Zombie Andre went after Theo, not betting on number 14's tenacity. Zombie Benoit went looking for more family members to kill, while HBK just fucked off in the back somewhere. And of course, the two drunk as fuck, swearing in front of kids and stuff, Riders fans, went right after the mysterious 13TH MAN, blaming him for all sorts of shit. They tried to smear poo on him, as you know, that's how Rider fan gets down.

"Stop, stop or I'll have you all drug tested right now!" Vince pronounced. "Keep this energy for the ring. Hogan, you're right, you are a better fit for champ right now. You can beat Sting, and Bret will win the Rumble. We'll talk about Mania after."

The room slowly emptied in a loud, Sport Chek zone type ruckus.

"You alright, Harvey?" asked Dumpster babies dad.

"Yah. We'll get 'em at the Rumble."
...

Furthermore, I think Peter Loubardias should be fired.

2 comments:

  1. three months and this is what we get DeathHammer? NO wonder you're writing on here and not actually publishing anything... Don't quit your day job!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Dear Anon:

    The article is not for jabronis!

    ReplyDelete