Friday, October 15, 2010

Roman Turek Profile In Courage Award

It's Friday, and that means just one thing: Hendricks gin, and lots of it.

Umm, what? Oh yeah, you're right. It is also time that time of the week when we present the Roman Turek Profile In Courage Award (the RTPIC)!

Before we get to the nominees, we want to say something about the Flames.

Last night, the players abandoned whatever system they use, and went all individual with it. They did that when they were down several goals. They panicked.

People panic for a variety of reasons, but they boil down to some basic things. Preparation, or the lack of it, and belief, or the lack of it. Preparation, because the human mind is incredibly elastic, and when we prepare it properly, it can handle doing the extra-ordinary. For example, very few people are born with the ability to engage in a battle and not lose their ability to think clearly. But, with proper instruction, most people can be trained in this skill. Belief, because when the bullets start flying, one of the things that is going to get you off your belly and over the trench is the belief that what you are doing can work. The belief in success is a very powerful incentive to actually try to reach for success.

The Flames abandoned the game plan when they got down on the scoreboard. They panicked. Was it because of a lack of preparation? We don't think it is. They have played 3 games in about a week. That provides the coaching staff with plenty of time for preparation. The problem, therefore, has to be belief.

Key players on this team (*cough* Jarome Iginla *cough*) are not buying into what the coach is selling. Who knows the exact reason why, but we would posit that it comes down to the players not believing the game plan can bring them W's. You can prepare for suicide all you want, but when the time comes to jump, if your heart isn't in it, you will not jump. For a player to adhere to a game plan they think will lead them to a big fat L, that is akin to suicide. When you look at it this way, it isn't hard to see why the players abandon playing as a team so that they can play like individuals. They are trying to win. They are deciding not to choose suicide.

This, it goes without saying, is not a good situation. Is it the coaches fault? Do the players not trust each other? We do not know, we are not in the locker room. In all honesty, on a certain level, it doesn't even matter, because whatever the problem, there are only a few solutions.

It's either the coaching staff or it's the players. You will have a hard time convincing us that it isn't a mix of both with this team. Clearly the team has problems with the coach. We have problems with the coaching staff, too. Like, why the hell is Dave Lowry coaching the power play? But after so many coaches over so many years, that cannot be an excuse anymore. Getting Mike Keenan fired was the players final cry of wolf, if you ask us.

Look, this coach happens to be brothers with the GM. You can try to tell me that they hate each others guts and don't talk to each other, but that isn't true. It isn't. We bring this up because the only solution to this problem, if we are going to stick with the coach, is that the coach needs to crack the whip and establish his authority. Besides belief, there is another way to get someone to jump over the trench and into no-mans land. That is a gun in your back.

Coach Sutter needs to bench a high profile, highly paid member of this hockey team. And he has to do it the first time a player, through selfish play, abandons the game plan. In short, he has to treat this veteran team as if it was a team full of rookies. They need harsh discipline if they are going to be brought to heel and made to listen. And because his brother is the GM, he shouldn't be worried about the players going above his head.

On Saturday, against the Oilers (a game we were stupid enough to buy tickets for), at the Dome, if Jarome cheats in his own zone, bench him. If Joker is giving you lazy, no hustle efforts, bench him. If Kipper lets a goal in during the first 5 minutes, bench him. Coach Sutter needs to go to war with his team. At this point the only tool that players have left him with to use is public humiliation. Benching star players at home is what he needs to do, regardless of the fact that the fans in this city pay huge money to see the team. They can cry about how they paid $200 dollars to see the Iggy sit on the bench for 2 periods and then the Flames lose, but if a lose today brings you three wins down the road, they will, on the aggregate, be cheering more than crying, and in the end, that is all they want.

The players on this team have made it clear that they don't fear the coach, and that's because the coach has done nothing to establish his authority. It's time for him to prove he is the great coach that everyone in the media keeps saying he is.

And for the love of whatever Deity you believe in, beat the fucking Oilers.

No nominees this week. The winner of the Roman Turek Profile In Courage Award is...wait, actually, a few more words on the Flames. JBlow hit someone in the first period, rubbed him out against the boards. We need a lot more of that from him. He needs to pick a player who plays in the Northwest division and make him his bitch, the way Reggie does (or did) Hemsky. Also, Peter Loubardias was so boring calling a boring game that we didn't even notice him until the end of the game when he broke out with 'the aforementioned one' to describe a player. After hearing that and listening to Loubardias and Simmer make excuse after excuse as to why this team slept walked through a game at home we remain as convinced as ever: Fire Peter Loubardias.

This weeks winner of the Roman Turek Profile In Courage award is...the French riots.

The French, much to the worlds surprise, are rioting. Shocking, we know. That never happens.

This time, the noble French are upset over the shocking overreach of the current government. To quote the source: Polls show two-thirds of French people oppose Sarkozy's plan to raise the minimum retirement age to 62 from 60 and lift the age at which people can retire on a full pension to 67 from 65.

My god, the horror. Can you fucking believe that the bloodthirsty Tyrant Sarkozy would dare increase the burden on the French? The people already carry a bone crushing load by being forced to work until the age of 60 (the humanity) before they can collect a government guaranteed pension. And now the Dictator Sarkozy would further humiliate the pure blooded Frenchmen by requiring him to work until the decrepit age of 62?

Such anti-human behavior hasn't been seen in France since the Vendee!

Can you believe what some people will do when they are asked to work?

The French are clearly in the right here. Who wants to work, right? In that vein, we have some suggestions for the Calgary Flames players, some tactic they can use when Coach Sutter gets on their back about stuff like effort.

First, the Flames players need to cut the beerline at the Saddledome. Lets be honest, the best thing about going to a home game is the beer. People don't come into the building expecting to see goals or anything, it's Calgary. If the players cut the beer line, then they cut off the fans. With no fans in the building, the players won't need to be worried about being booed when they give a poor effort. They will be free to give poor efforts all they want!

Second, the Flames players need to block the opposition bus from reaching the Saddledome. If the opposing team can't make it into the building then the Flames won't be asked to skate, and avoiding skating seems to be this teams top priority. To stop a bus a good tactic to employ is to lay down right in front. That way the bus driver needs to stop so he won't run over you. So all the Flames need to do is lay down right in front of the opposition bus. And the Flames are experts at laying down in front of their opponents.

With no fans and no opposition in the building, the Flames will be able to finally not work and give half hearted effort for the whole year, in comfort.

Furthermore, I think Peter Loubardias should be fired.


  1. Where else can you find commentary on the Calgary Flames and the French strikes?

    You nut.

  2. No one asks why they are the only nhl home team that doesn't get any adrenaline boost when the puck drops.

    I think its b/c no one has the leadership or balls to come out wanting to fight through the checks, or the other team.

    They also think they are much better than they are, so u have to bench them, cut off playing time SO THEY CANNOT GO OUT IN PUBLIC WITHOUT FEELING EMMBARRESSED and will have to stay home all the time & practice until their better!

  3. oh.

    are we meeting up at the game on saturday ?


  4. You will see me at the game in Row 10 behind the Oiler's bench (s. 109 bitches) proudly wearing the copper and blue.


    I hope Staios makes the lineup tonight. I really do. I like the feeling of optimism the good guys have for a change.

    Here's to the *snicker* number #1 line of the Flamers staying pointless!

  5. WI, you want the illusion of me to be ruined by the real me? What happens when you discover Im 50? or 20? If the people Im with are down, we can certainly try.

    I got last minute cheapies, so Ill be up with 'the real fans' in the nosebleeds. They are not my tickests so I don't know what section I will be in. Ill be sure to make my way to section 209 though, and spill my beer on the drunk guy wearing the Oiler jersey in section 109 when we are losing by 5 goals.

  6. Stick it to her DB Guy!

    Dick her for us!