Friday, October 8, 2010

Roman Turek Profile In Courage Award


It's Friday, and that means just one thing: steamrolled like the sludge steamrolled Hungary.

What? Yeah, yeah, you're right. It is also that time of the week when we present the Roman Turek Profile In Courage Award (the RTPIC)!

Lot's of good nominees for the award this week. Brendan Morrison, who is fucking garbage, did not make the list.

First nominee this week is the man, the myth, the legend Roy 'Doc' Halladay. Hell of a day, Halladay. The guy pitched the second no hitter ever in post season history, which is a stat we hate because they used to only play a World Series and not these division and championship series. Anyways, post season dominance is post season dominance, and that was just what the Doc was: dominant. Can you believe the Blue Jays saddled this guy with AJ Burnett?

Our second nominee this week comes from Killadelphia. You see, Philadelphia police seem to have a nasty habit of robbing drug dealers of their product, and then turning around and selling said product themselves (KRS-One's Illegal Business comes to mind). We know, waters wet, right? Anyways, this week two intrepid young troopers of the state robbed a fellow police officer, who was posing undercover as a drug dealer. Oops.

In a move designed to maximize the hilarity of the situation, the good, honest cops waited until the crooked cops got back to the station to arrest them. Prank!

Our third nominee is...fuck it, let's change it up. We have more than three, so our third nominee is a grab bag. We had the worst first pitch ever, ever. That terrible pitch was followed up by the Bank of America's terrible pitch to stop selling foreclosed homes, which means they are going to stop foreclosing on homes. If anybody wants to get a mortgage in the next 5 years, please do it now before the repercussions of this stupid, stupid, stupid policy is felt. Bankers don't like getting stiffed, and they are like elephants: they don't forget. Actually, it's kind of interesting: Bank of America is owned by the American government. So ignore the fact that this announcement was made on the eve of an election. We go from those bad pitches to some school kids who evidently had some good ones. It seems kids in Chicago are scoring nookie in math class. Like, not during class, but in the class. And they say kids have no use for their cellphone cameras in school.

Finally, to end the nominations, we have to bring up the curious case of Roderick Lewis. Roderick Lewis is just like any other angel dust addicted street urchin, quietly minding his own business looking to score. He wasn't having much luck until he ran into police officer Scott Bloom. Because Roderick was jonesing, he forgot he was in Connecticut and not Philly, so he asked the cop if the cop had any angel dust for him. Because the cop wasn't from Philly, he tried to arrest the man. This is where things get interesting. Roderick punched Scott in the face, and Scott's K-9 dog Onyx (who slam harder?) came to the rescue by biting Roderick. Except it didn't work, and Roderick started to bite the dog! Man Bites Dog!!! The best part of the story is that the drug addled loser wouldn't stop biting, and had to be pried off the dog. Only in America.

This weeks winner of the Roman Turek Profile In Courage Award: The Dead Smoking Monkey.


Damn, that monkey looks cool. And he lived till 52, which is 10 years longer than a normal chimp is suppose to live. Plus he looks so fucking cool. God, we bet he rolled in lady chimp pussy. He just looks so damn cool. Because he is smoking, and smoking is cool.

Reason.com had the best headline.

What did we learn today? That if you smoke you are cool, and you will live 10 years longer than everyone else. And be famous. And cool. Famously cool, in fact.

We actually were going to give the RTPIC to Jungle Jim Hunter. Because he should be coaching the Flames. But we just wrote yesterday about how it's stupid to blame the coach, and it's time to blame the players. Fuck, we are going to stick with that. We aren't fans of the coach of the team, we will say that. But the players didn't show up, the players didn't push back, the players didn't skate. A hockey game has three periods, Flames, not one. At least Brent looks like he cares.

It was one game. Whatever. Thank God for the Stamps.

Furthermore, I think Peter Loubardias should be fired.

2 comments:

  1. wheres the rant? we want rant!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Where's the smoking chimps backstory? Where did he grow up? What world leaders did he influence? What's his brand???

    ReplyDelete