Friday, October 1, 2010

Roman Turek Profile In Courage Award


It's Friday, and that means just one thing: She watch Channel Zero.

Umm, what? Oh yeah, yeah, you are right. It is also that time of the week when we present the Roman Turek Profile In Courage Award (the RTPIC)!

Lots of good nominees this week, so let's just jump right in.

Our first nominee this week happens to be everyone's favourite: Viva La Revolucion! Yes, politically motivated bloodshed and violence is once again featured, this time in Ecuador. Ecuador has a jacked up and fractured political culture, owing mainly to the fact that it was colonized by the Spanish way back when. You know, the mixing of the blood, the rise of a caste like system, the tensions that causes; all the good stuff that usually occurs in Spanish colonized locations. Because society is fragmented, politics tends to be zero-sum in Ecuador. Whatever party is in power tends to be vindictive to the party (and the supporters of the party) that has just been deposed. And the judiciary of the country...activist to it's core. Look it up for yourself and you will see the Supreme Court of Ecuador tends to decide more elections then the voters do. Again, because of the fragmentation.

So you have the backstory: Ecuador is, to borrow Thomas Carlyle's famous phrase, a quackocrocy. President Correa is then the head quack, and what a quack he is. Correa refused to pay back the bondholders of Ecuador's debt, which is evil, in the most evil sense of the word. That's why Correa recently, like last week, tried to hold the world hostage by demanding 3 billion dollars not to drill for oil in the Amazon. After not paying back bondholders, he discovered it was now impossible for Ecuador to get a loan (bankers tend to look down on thieves, even democratically elected ones). Correa doesn't have the money to drill for oil in the Amazon, because the country is broke and nobody with a brain will lend it money. So he is desperate, and looking for money.

In his desperation for cash, and because serious people don't deal with quacks, he has had to turn to trimming down the bloated budgets he has been approving to find cash. One problem though: after years of letting the public union grow and get fat, they tend to get a little pissed off when you tell them the party is over. And that is exactly what happened this week. Correa tried to cut the budget of the police. The police responded by trying to cut off the head of Correa.

The irony here is great: A President elected on eat-the-rich can't get a loan from the rich he intended to eat, so he must eat-the-poor who were only moments ago his main constituency. The poor, placated for years, decides to eat it's champion before he can eat them. There is a lesson in there, somewhere.

Our second nominee is Rick Sanchez, CNN anchor, drunk murderer, and now, rabid Jew hater. CNN, you will remember, had to already fire a high ranking executive earlier this year because she sympathized with terrorists, so this type of behaviour doesn't seem out of place in that organization. Anyways, Rick went off on right wing firebrand John Stewart, for the crime of being a Jew in the media. Arrest Mr. Stewart right away! Oh wait, this isn't Nazi Germany? Ok, nevermind.

CNN, the most trusted name in news delivered by small minded racists.

Our third nominee of the week is Anthony Rodriguez, a mild mannered Chicago jeweler. Anthony Rodriguez was just looking for a good breakfast from his favourite eatery, just some a good plate of eggs. And while he did indeed find his plate of eggs, he also found that it came with a side of prophylactic. Yes, you read that right. Eggs and condoms. Which is odd, because usually the only time you see condoms and eggs together is in menstruation soup.

EWWWWWWWWWWW!

This weeks winner of the Roman Turek Profile In Courage Award: Cito Gaston's Moustache.



Cito retired. Made us sad. Not as sad as when he kept using Kevin Millar as his 3 hitter last year, which was completely retarded and probably is what caused the mutiny at the end of last year that cost him his job. But sad nonetheless.

This was a fun year to watch the Blue Jays (much funnier than watching the Cubs), and Cito was a big part of it. Teaching Jose Bautista how to hit was pretty cool, but his real impact was the maturation that occurred in some of the youngish players the Jays have. Aaron Hill may be a headcase, but Cito did manage to turn the attitudes of Lind, Snider, and Escobar around, for which he deserves mountains of farm fresh kudos.

But let's be honest, what are we gonna miss the most? Is it Cito's steady hand at the till of Good Ship Blue Jay? No. Will it be his utter contempt and disgust at having to actually play rookies? Nope. Will it be his barely concealed bitterness at being kept out of baseball for 10 years? Fuck no.

It will be his moustache. Cito has one of the most epic moustaches in sport. Where are the Blue Jays going to get a moustache like that to manage the team next year? Nobody has one as badass as that, save Bobby Valentines fake one. And for the love of God, do not hire Bobby Valentine.

Some of you may not know, but Cito Gaston's Moustache is actually a cousin once removed of Lanny McDonald's Moustache. And the two share more than blood. They share a story.

Back in 1981-82, Lanny McDonald's Moustache was toiling away for the Colorado Rockies, obscure and unmissed by the hockey world at large. For Lanny McDonald's Moustache, dark times brought on dark thoughts. Yes, Lanny McDonald's Moustache was thinking about...shaving!

Suicide may be painless, but it is still unadvised. When Cito Gauston's Moustache heard through the Hollywood grape-vine that Lanny McDonalds Moustache was feeling a little down, he immediately leapt into action. Hitching a ride on Madonna's private plane, Cito's Moustache would arrive in Denver just in time. Lanny McDonald's Moustache was covered in shaving cream when he got the call from Cito to pick him up at the airport.

Lanny McDonald's Moustache being the character guy that he is, he simply couldn't end it all and leave his cousin at the airport. Resolving to shave after picking Cito up, he washed off the cream and put the razor down. After a stache to stache talk, Lanny McDonald's Moustache would never pick up a razor again.

Cito Gauston's Moustache wasn't done, however. With the knowledge that he had about Lanny McDonald's Moustache's feelings toward the city of Denver, Cito's Moustache knew he couldn't be left alone in Colorado. Cito's Moustache's influence was used on the Rockie's organization, and before the year was out Lanny McDonald's Moustache would find himself playing in front of the hometown fans of the Calgary Flames.

The rest, as they say, is history.

For being a key player behind the scenes during the Lanny McDonald's Moustache trade negotiations (and for, you know, winning back to back World Series) Cito Gauston's Moustache wins this weeks Roman Turek Profile In Courage Award.

Furthermore, I think Peter Loubardias should be fired.

4 comments:

  1. Cito's stache is black steel in the hour of chaos.

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  2. it took a nation of sucka's to let Cito's moustache in

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  3. A bit of a PE flavour this week no?

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  4. Don't know what you are pointing too, RT. You must be on the base.

    ReplyDelete