Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Irrational Rant #867

The Flames signed Brendan Morrison. Reaction seems to be generally positive.

We are not in the camp of people who think that this is a good signing by the Flames. Largely because of this:

Fuck you Brendan Morrison. We don't even care that we won that series (if you look up no heart chokers, you'll find a picture of this man). That was one of the greatest hockey games we had ever seen, and that little puke Morrison went and ruined it. Morrison is giant a douche deposit.

We cannot confirm or deny that Morrison, Bertuzzi, and Naslund hung out in Vancouver bath houses together. Those were only rumours and allegations. But we will say that the last time one of the Vancouver bath house trio was on the roster, that fucking criminal Todd Bertuzzi, he made out constantly with coach Mike Keenan. Did you, as fans, enjoy watching all that public necking? No, it was disgusting. Almost as disgusting as when Keenan would send Bertuzzi out on the ice a shift after Bertuzzi did a stupid drop pass in the middle of the fucking neutral zone, only to have him do it again.

That experience with 1/3rd of the 'West Coast Express' wasn't enough? Sutter felt compelled to go for seconds?


Look, we know everybody who put on a Calgary Flame sweater during the pre-season had to have their leg amputated. We know the triage centre is mighty full right now. We know that Brent Sutter et al are 3rd line AHLers masquerading as 4th line NHL players. We know the team is tight against the cap (watching Darryl screw Langkow by keeping him on the LTIR for the full year will be fun). We know Backlund hasn't stolen anybodies job in preseason. We know these things.

And we can even acknowledge the obvious: it is a prudent move to add some depth with NHL experience to this roster, considering it is down to Backlund, Joker, and Conroy at centre. The depth was acquired at a cheapish price and the term is wonderful. And adding competition is never bad, and if Backlund needs someone to come in and push him, it's probably wise to go out and get someone to do just that.

But Brendon fucking Morrison? We threw up in our mouths more when we heard Sutter had signed this guy then when we heard he had signed Joker again!

We don't care that the scoreboard said he was a 47 point player last year. He played on the fucking Capitals! We are pretty sure Lady Gaga would have had a 47 point year playing on the fucking Capitals. All we know is that Brendan Morrison had such a good year for the Capitals last season that they didn't even offer him a contract to come back.

Let us put it this way: Morrison is such a good hockey player that the only reason he is playing in the NHL is because the Calgary Flames suffered injuries to four of its centres during the preseason.

Allow us to continue the irrationality. Why is Brendan Morrison still playing hockey? What is his motivation? Is it to win a Stanley Cup? Doubt it. The reason he signed with the Flames is because we offered him one way deal and every other offer he had on the table was a two way one. He likes the lifestyle and the paycheque. Fine, power to the bag of douche, those are respectable enough reasons to not retire. But is that the motivational fuel that is going to get 82 hard played games out of someone?

Contrast that to the aforementioned farm hands this team has. What is their motivation? To make it into the NHL, so they can get the paycheque and the lifestyle. They have a hunger at 20-23 years old that Morrison could not possibly have at veteran 35. Yeah, they probably aren't as talented. Good, that means to stay in the NHL they will have to do the little things gritty things that win hockey games. And there are enough of them on the farm that if, say, Brent Sutter sucks you can send him down and call another one up. These guys, Sutter, Stone, Meyer, they aren't everyday players. But over 5 games they give you a spark. You call one up for a stint, when he gets comfortable you send him down and call another one up, rinse, repeat.

Unless, of course, they don't plan on using this shit face Morrison on the third and fourth lines at all. Could the Flames actually be stupid enough to envision Brendan Morrison as their second line centre?

Forget everything you have read here about how we don't want the organization to just hand Backlund a spot on the roster. Hand Backlund a spot on the top six if it means keeping Morrison out of it. Throw the kid into the deep end. What's the worst that could happen, we lose hockey games? Shit, better cancel that Stanley Cup parade the all had planned. If the talent difference between Backlund and Morrison is enough to actually cause the Flames to lose hockey games...then the team is fucked until Stajan gets back, anyways.

Backlund isn't good enough to play in the top six because he is an unknown commodity. Morrision, being a known commodity, is good enough to play in the top six. What? This makes no sense at all. Let us put it into English if you are confused as to what we are getting at: If the team needs someone to come in and play a top six role for a month, then they should probably go out and get someone who is capable of playing in the top six, no? Signing Morrison, a third or fourth liner, to play in the top six is a bad move. If Sutter had any capability as someone who could draft, he probably would have been able to draft someone in the last decade who would be able to come up and play on the fourth line, pushing Conroy up to the third, pushing Backlund up to the second, Joker on the first.

Now, adding players to your team that push players down the depth chart is the better idea. But Morrison isn't that player.

The question is could the Flames acquire a guy who was actually capable of playing in the top six, and that fit into the budget. The answer to this is obviously no, and we know this because the team decided on acquiring Morrison. So the question then becomes is Morrison better than the shit that is out there? Looking at this, the answer may be, we stress may be, a yes. Which is disappointing.

Still, as a fan, fuck Morrison. We never thought we would say this, but hurry up and get healthy, Stajan.

One of the things that this move shows, we think, is that Sutter is feeling some heat from someone within the organization to actually follow through on his talk of us being a top team in the league. Sutter, in his heart of hearts, knows this to be bullshit. He knows that every game, every point, is going to matter at the end of the season.

The Stajan injury leaves a hole in his lineup. If he moves Backlund up into the second line, he creates two holes: a hole is created on the fourth line (as Conroy moves up to the third) and you have a big question mark on the second. If he inserts Morrison in that spot, he only has one hole (the same hole Stajan created on the second line, Morrison just can't fill it). From a math perspective (Sutter and math in the same sentence?) it makes sense, one hole is better than two. But the fact that Sutter is even grasping at straws like this indicates, to us, at least, that finally someone has made it known to him that the hammer may indeed drop down on him if his team fails to perform, and at least he is feeling the pressure a little bit. Pressure tends to elevate performance, which we like.

The flip side of that coin is even better. If Sutter will trade away Dion when his job isn't on the line, just to try to salvage a season, then what is he capable of doing when his job may actually be on the line? The players on this roster can't be so dumb that they don't see that. Whatever pressure level is being put on Darryl, no doubt he is applying that pressure times 100 to the team. That should at least translate into some better hockey from the Country Club. And we all remember what happened the last time a Calgary Flames team had job pressure applied to it. The league screwed them out of a Stanley Cup.

The season is starting. That's good. Peter Loubardias still has a job. That's bad.

Did any of ya'll catch this little article?

QUOTE: Peter Loubardias/Charlie Simmer/Roger Millions. Sportsnet West. Loubardias took over the Flames’ play calling two seasons ago from Millions His idiosyncratic style is pure hockey, and he wears the flaming red sunglasses proudly most nights. Loubardias is encyclopedic on junior hockey. He and Simmer are still working on more than a rudimentary booth chemistry. Simmer does flash occasional wit, but the Flames vexing fortunes of late haven’t given him much to chortle about. Millions has the best brushcut on Sportsnet. Homer Meter: 4.5/ 5 pucks. Booth Chemistry: 2.5/ 5 pucks. Rating: 3/ 5 pucks.:ENDQUOTE

Is there anything more fake than having someone grade someone else who they have a relationship with? Or how about a guy who is proudly a member of the media being asked to judge other members of the media, most of whom the guy has had a few pops with?

Look, Loubardias is not a homer. He is a boot licker. Roger Millions was a homer. When the team wasn't playing up to snuff, he would call them out on it. That's what a homer does. Peter Loubardias is, to repeat, a boot licker. He only has praise for the Flames, he never see's them not hustling. That isn't 'wearing the flaming red sunglasses', that's covering for the team. As Darren Dreger put it with regards to the JBlow story, Peter Loubardias follows the Flames storyline. He is a company man, he is a tool. That's fine and all, if you want a tool calling the games for your team. But people in this city know when the team is playing poorly, and when the play by play guy is trying to act like nothing is going on here, move along people, it erodes his credibility with the fans. Dowbiggan needs to work with this guy, which is why boot licker becomes homer. But it's fake.

Also, if Loubardias is such an expert on juniour hockey, go call games for the fucking Hitmen (or the Oilers). Loubardias is paid to call junior games, and Rogers can't justify giving him a paycheque to work like 3 times a year, so they stick him on our broadcast to rationalize the cost of carrying Loubardias on the payroll. He gets stuck with us because the people who run SportsnetWest are all Oiler fans. They don't want this clown ruining their experience of an Oiler game, so they put him on the Flames broadcast. That's what we like to call tangible proof of suckage.

And this puck rating system employed is also stupid. Look, idiot, the math works like this: 4.5+2.5=7. 7 out of 10. Then because you chose to rank out of 5, we divide 7 by 2 and get 3.5. We should have scored 3.5/5, if Dowbiggin wasn't such an idiot. Which is to say that he is just making up numbers in a made up grading system because...yeah, we don't know either. Idiot.

And to top it off, Dowbiggin talks hair in the article, but not Charlie Simmer's hair?

There is a communist running for Calgary mayor. Someone who is running, openly, as a communist. Communism killed 100 million people, and all we get is some fat ugly airhead running for Calgary mayor. Pretty disgusting. What, they couldn't find a Nazi to run?

Dome Beers NFL Week 4 results:
AZR: 5-9
P-Sizzle: 6-8
J R Smoove: 8-6

Furthermore, I think Peter Loubardias should be fired.