Friday, September 24, 2010

Roman Turek Profile In Courage Award

It's Friday, and that means just one thing: Prostitutes!

What? Huh? Damn guys, you're right, you are absolutely right. It is indeed that time of the week when we present the Roman Turek Profile In Courage Award (the RTPIC)!

And what a week it has been, right? Langkow continues to fake hurt so the team can use its LTIR to start the season, Matt Stajan intentionally injures his shoulder because he is so scared of Raitis Ivanans he will do anything to get out of that locker room, and Leaf fans are already starting to warm up to South America's favourite ex Flame...that could actually be a rather long list.

Anyways, let's get started unveiling the nominees, shall we?

Jack Welch, star of Dome Beers favourite advertisement, isn't too pleased with President Obama's whole 'War On Business' thing. And to be perfectly frank, it isn't that tough to see why Mr. Welch feels that way, either. One of the things Mr. Welch goes on to say in the linked article, that we think everybody could probably agree with, is that when one party in America controls both the White House and the Congress, said party tends to over reach. One of the things that makes America so great, besides In-n-Out Burger, is there are elections for something or other every two years. This November the Democrats are going to lose the House, and the GOP may even win the senate. Sweet, sweet gridlock should be on it's way, and maybe the threat of being one term makes Obama invite people like Mr. Welch into his cadre of advisors.

Our second nominee is civil war. Specifically, the civil war that is about to engulf the small French town of Cap d'Agde over what is and what is not acceptable behaviour for naked people in public. You see, Cap d'Agde is famous, famous for being a nudist colony. And it turns out that nudist's, contrary to the lies and slander put out into the mainstream culture by the pants lobby, are hard working, decent, normal(ish) people. They have jobs, they have kids, they have dogs. All they want is to live what they describe is the natural way. No problem, right? Wrong! You see, recently a group of unemployed, unwashed hippies moved into the town, and use its naked friendly disposition as an excuse to, as Camus put it so eloquently, feed and fornicate. In public. Like in the town square. Ewww...

Anyways, it appears our good hearted and decent nudist's want to part in the shenanigans of the drugged out swinger-hippie nudists. And our kind souled nudist's don't play. Only a couple of years ago did they firebomb a hotel that the swinger-hippie nudist's were staying at. The Mayor is reportedly quite worried that tensions could escalate, but we are just happy for this: we finally know where the Calgary Streaker went.

To cap off the nominees for this week, we bring you the story of Eliose Diaz. Eliose lives in Washington, D.C., and has been hurt, like millions of others, by the recession. Recently, she fell behind in her rent payments, and because of that, was evicted from her apartment. Sad story, usually, except for the fact that Eliose is a hoarder, and it took the city 10 hours to evict her because of all the treasure she had hidden away in her little rowhouse. Yeah, you read that right, 10 hours. It gets better. When the city got all the treasure out of Eliose's house, it took up two whole city blocks. Two blocks, man! It took three moving trucks to move half of all the treasure away.

But wait, it gets better. At the end of the article is this little gem: The city is providing shelter to Diaz and a tenant who lived there too.

She had a tenant! Eliose, whose house was so full of garbage that the city workers literally had to dig a tunnel through the garbage just to get inside, had a tenant.

This weeks winner of the Roman Turek Profile In Courage Award: Jose Bautista

Which makes Jose Bautista a two time two time winner of the illustrious and coveted RTPIC.

Jose Bautista hit home run number 50 off King Felix Hernandez. And we here at Dome Beers couldn't be any happier.

What we are not happy with, however, is the continued insinuation that Bautista is on the juice. Baseball players have done nothing to dispel the notion that they were not all on steroids, so we understand where the speculation is coming from, we just don't like it. Primarily because we think it's dumb.

Steroids are not magic. Steroids help you train, they help you build muscle, they shrink your jillywack, but they don't magically give someone 20 home runs unless that person trains and puts on muscle. And even then that person still has to be able to hit the ball.

This is an important point that the we think gets missed at times. People point to Barry Bonds as the King of PED's. That's all well and good, and he probably was a bigger roider than Roger Clemens (allegedlies all around) but that wasn't the key to him hitting 73 home runs. Steroids allowed Bonds to get huge, putting on crazy amounts of muscle, which meant he could swing harder. But that increase in power was not what got Bonds 73 home runs all by itself. If you can recall that year, you can recall that Bonds would sometimes go games without seeing a hittable pitch. If a base was open when Bonds came up, he would get walked. Yet Bonds still managed to hit 73 pitches out of the park.

He was able to do so because he had amazing, super human ability to judge the flight of the ball. Steroids didn't help him with that. Coaching and preparation did. And because he could tell balls and strikes so quickly out of a pitchers hand, he was able to outwait pitchers into throwing him maybe one or two pitches a night that were hittable. Bonds was so good that he was able to get the bat around on the one pitch a night he would see. The steroid fuelled muscle he put on then was able to get to work, but only after Bond's had identified the pitch and gotten the bat to it.

Last time we checked Jose Bautista didn't put on 20 pounds of muscle over the offseason. Which leads us to believe he isn't on steroids. His home run totals did jump quite high from the previous season, true, but not because of steroids.

Baseball does not test for HGH, a drug that actually has a little bit of magic in it, so we cannot say for 100% certainty that he is clean. Which is to baseball's shame, not Jose Bautista's. If Major League Baseball cared about the publics perception of the industry they would go to war with the union over this issue. For the good of the game, MLB needs to test for HGH.

One of the things that makes Jose Bautista's 50 home run season so special that we don't think has been getting the run it deserves is the fact that Jose Bautista had to compete this season without the benefit of amphetamines, AKA kid speed. The novel thing about Jose Bautista's season is not the fact that it could be drug fuelled, but the fact that it was done without the benefit of one of baseballs most widely used drugs (until the banned it)!

But on to happier subjects. Jose Bautista hit 50 home runs, during a season that us closet Blue Jay supporters have actually found quite enjoyable. The fact that he will be hanging around Toronto for one more season (you know, because he is contractually obligated to do so) is also a good thing, even if he doesn't reproduce the crazy 50 home run season. Yunel Escobar, a very talented SS that the Blue Jays stole from the Braves, is still too immature a player. Jose's presence will be a good thing.

And, oh yeah, he has hangs out with a very nice lady.

For being the Man, man, Jose Bautista wins this weeks Roman Turek Profile In Courage Award.

Dome Beers NFL Picks will air on Saturday, so check back here tomorrow and win some cash.

Furthermore, I think Peter Loubardias should be fired.


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