Friday, September 17, 2010

Roman Turek Profile In Courage Award

It's Friday, and that could mean just one thing: In school they never taught 'bout hamburgers or steak, Elijah Muhammad or the welfare state. But I know. And I know because of KRS-ONE.

What? Huh? Oh yeah, yeah you're right! It's also that time of the week when we present the Roman Turek Profile In Courage Award (The Roman Turek Profile In Courage Award)!

Lot's of exciting nominee's this week, Domebeer-aholics. Let's see, why don't we start with the nonsports, and work our way to sports. In what could possible be one of the greatest, and at the same time one of the most horrible, stories you will ever read about, a 49 year old man smacked his bitch up(*) with his cat. His cat! That's real funny to us, the notion of smacking pussy with a pussy, punching kitty with a kitty. It's the same old story, you know? Boy meets girl, boy falls in love with girl, girl falls out of love with boy, boy hits girl right in the face with a cat. Who hasn't been a party to that mundane dance of life?

The best part of the story, in a neat twist of fate, is the story itself. And we quote from the article: "Police did not know the whereabouts or the condition of the cat. The victim did not immediately respond to inquiries about the cat."

Well done New Jersey newspaper guy.

The second nominee this week is the Tea Party, and their girl Christine O'Donnel, the woman who took out the GOP establishment candidate in Delaware, and is giving heartburn to some, and hope to others (that is one fucking awful run-on sentence). With the debate about principle over power fully raging, we offer our 2 cents. Did ya'll click the link? It shows she has raised about a million and a half dollars in like a day. The polls have her down double digits, and there is only about a month and a half left before the election. It's a pretty steep climb, but we all must remember it's climbable, and that Scott Brown erased a double digit lead with 30 days left. Problem is, Christine is not Scott Brown.

But we may be witnessing something interesting down south come November, and that is we could be witnessing the birth a new political force, able to elect candidates and win elections, in the Tea Party.

Third nominee is the Pope, for going to see those filthy apostates who stole the Kingdom of England from him all those centuries ago. Hey, anyone with that has the gal to call Britain a '3rd world country' gets our attention. Honestly England, we can't understand protesting the Pope over his abortion stance. What, you're going to convince him to change his mind?

And the winner of this weeks Roman Turek Profile In Courage Award: Deep Fried Beer!

Aww, deep fried beer. The long sought after Holy Grail of the male culinary world; the quintessential expression of heaven on a plate. How many of us have stared at the beer in our hand while we were deep frying chicken and haven't thought about it. Hell...there was a time when we tried to deep fry a chicken in beer. Do you know what happens when you do that? Fire happens, and lots of it. And you think it's funny right, like it's all this big joke, but then the insurance adjuster gets all in your face about how that's the stupidest thing he has ever heard and he isn't going to pay for the house you just burned down. Then you have to go through all the frustration and aggravation that come from having to pay the legal bills that come with murdering an insurance adjuster. It's just one big, annoying, mess.

So when we heard that some guy actually did the impossible and deep fried one of Gods many gifts to mankind, we had to check out the story. And it turns out that contrary to some assertions you may have read here, there are indeed heaven sent angels that masquerade as men here on Earth, and one of those wonderful celestial beings happens to be acting the part of a chef in Texas named Mark Zable. Someone call England, get the Pope on the damned phone, and fast track this gentleman for canonization, ASAP.

Mark Zable tackled the problem from a whole new angle. Instead of trying to deep fry beer, which is impossible and will only get you in divorce court after you find a way to beat those murder charges from the insurance incident (you know, hypothetically), Mr. Zable decided he would simply just try to deep fry the beer while it was contained inside vessel, in this case, delicious pretzel dough.

You following here people? Mr. Zable has just invented Beer Ravioli. Beer Ravioli! We will never understand people who kill themselves. So your wife leaves you and takes the kids and the car. So your forever socially marked because some prosecutor thought you murdered the Geico gecko. So you lose your job because of it. So you have nowhere to go because your house was burned down. None of these things matter, because losing streaks end, and you just never know when someone will come around the corner with the greatest invention since sterile condoms, the beer filled ravioli.

We must confess, though, that a certain little voice in the back of our head keeps whispering to us that he, Mark Zable, is cheating. A cheater like Jeter. Because, let's be honest, he really isn't deep frying the beer, is he? He is deep frying the dough the beer is in, but the beer itself just gets hot, not fried. Can we in good conscience really say he deep fried beer? By promoting the deep fried pretzel dough as deep fried beer, are we further adding to the perversion of language and culture? Does the promotion of charlatans say something deep and uncomfortable about us, as a people? Can this story be taken as another example of the rise of the mundane at the expense of the spectacular?

Of course not. Mark Zable just deep fried beer, motherfuckers. And for that, he wins this weeks Roman Turek Profile In Courage Award. Pass us a plate.

Furthermore, I think Peter Loubardias should be fired.