Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Dome Beers Investigation: The Sedins


Domebeer-aholics, as we all know, our courageous and valiant hockey team, despite brilliant leadership and an excellent, world class officer corp, did not complete the campaign they set out on. Lord Stanley's Cup was not returned to Calgary.

Some say the cause of this humiliating defeat rests with the resolve of the troops. Weakened moral led to a dissension in the ranks, which led to loss after tragic loss. Others say it's because they scored 12 goals last year as a team. The answer lies somewhere in the middle...the somewhere that's much, much closer to the 'score-more-than-12-goals' side of the middle.

Scoring, like scoring on the power play just for one God damned time...yeah, it's important. But we submit to you, dear Reader, that the problem was only partially to blame on the home team. If winning Stanley Cups is the game, winning your division is a good place to start. The Flames did not win the division this year. The Canucks did.

Aww, the Canucks. Division Champions. How did they do it?

Well...instead of us just coming right out and telling you, why don't we show you.

The Canucks are powered by the twins Sedin. Danny and Hank each had excellent years this year. At age 29, these two cats put up the best numbers of their life. Is it simply the case that these two first round draft picks are in the prime of their careers? Or is something a little more sinister at work?

You remember Barry Bonds, right? The slick, slim CF of the Pittsburgh Pirates. Well, at least he was. Here, take a look at young Barry.

Love that jersey. And now, Evil Barry

Notice anything? We didn't either, at least not initially.

What exactly are you getting at, Dome Beers? Well, just take a look at this.

Hate those jersey's. Look at the young twins in comparison to the old twins.

AWW! Christ, that scared the piss out of us. Look at those freakishly gigantic heads. Where the hell did they get their hockey helmets? Why don't they just strap the jumbotron onto Henrik's head? How many ads do you think they could sell on Dan's forehead? 20, 30 thousand?

And you know why nobody noticed? Because we all watch too much hockey. The heads just grew slowly over time, so nobody caught it. But the real question here is why, or how, did their heads grow to this horrific proportion?

Doping. Steroids. HGH. The Clear. The Cream.

If one is to commit to a serious doping regiment, one's body will start to produce blood, muscle, flesh, and bone at alarming rates. Your skull will thicken. Your hands and feet will grow larger. Look at those pictures, people. You tell me what else is going to change some fresh faced Europeans into those hulking, behemothic monstrosities.

It's obvious then, why the Flames were not able to win the division this year. They were competing against a team built around roid freaks.

Listen, you can believe what you want. There are many theories as to why the Flames did not win the Stanley Cup. Personality clash? Maybe a little. Complacency and lack of hunger? We guess. More pragmatically, you can believe that the Flames lost because the roster lacks talent, specifically scoring talent. We lean towards that one.

Or you can believe the Sedins are on steroids.


  1. Looks like your efforts to get Loubo fired are for naught. 10 year deal. Lots of SKEEYORES! in your future.

  2. Current events Dome Beers. Ever hear of them?