Friday, July 2, 2010

Roman Turek Profile In Courage

It's Friday, and that means one thing: I'm a blunt getting smoked and I can't wake up!

Huh? What? That's right! It's also that time of the week when we hand out the Roman Turek Profile In Courage Award.

Lots of crazy shit going down this week, but you will have to excuse us if we focus on some local matters, in light of the craziness that just went down. Let's start with Nystrom. According to the GM, Nystrom was offered the same contract Glencross was offered. Word to the mouth breathers: can we stop with all this stupid bullshit about how Nystrom is the greatest guy ever now? He bolted for $200K. He left the organization that drafted him, a 4th liner, in the first round. He left the organization that spent a tonne of money and time developing him, a 4th liner, for $200K. That's the type of character, loyal guy Nystrom is. At least the weirdo's can stop drooling over him now.

What else happened? Well, as you have no doubt by now heard, the GM made a few moves yesterday at the start of the Free Agency period. He also made a few trades. He traded Jason Jaffray for Logan MacMillan. This move wasn't done to increase the skill or toughness of the team. It wasn't even made so we could replace our bust first round pick Nystrom with the Ducks bust first round pick (in Logan). No, it was made so that our current drunk, J Blow over 0.08, could have somebody to relate too. Locker room harmony is just a bar away. Hockey player DUI's, the gift that keeps on giving.

Oh, those free agents the GM brought in? Retreads. Remember when the GM said we were one good player away from competing for a Stanley Cup? Turns out that one good player he was talking about was a guy who had played his way out of the NHL, in Alex Tanguay. Know how we know he played his way out of the NHL? Because he signed within the first 5 minutes of free agency, taking only one call. No, that doesn't reek of desperation on Tanguay's part. Whatever, at 1.7 million on a one year ticket, we can't get too upset about the move. It will probably turn out to be good for both sides, although we liked Tangs best when he was killing penalties and playing defence against the other teams top players. The other guy the GM brought in? Everybody's favourite lazy hockey player, Olli Jokinen. The GM trying to defend this move is comical. First, the GM tells us the experiment worked the first time (he even added a 'quite honestly'), which Kent Wilson, Domebeer-aholic and editor of Flamesnation, has thoroughly disproved. Then, he says the addition of Tanguay on a line with Joker and Iggy will fix what a sentence ago was not broken. George Orwell himself would be amazed at this exercise in double speak.

Oh yeah, Kotalik is still here. Oh yeah, IT'S STILL LEAKING! Anyways, picking a winner was a tough choice.

This week's winner of the Roman Turek Profile In Courage Award: Tequila!

Yes, tequila. Why? Because where else are you going to turn?

Tequila first made it's appearance on this club in 1991. That year, the only GM this franchise had known, Cliff Fletcher, after spending the preceding few years trading all our good players to Toronto, left to become the GM of...wait for it...Toronto. Doug Risebrough took over. Tequila drinking broke out all over the city. For like 5 years. To illustrate with a story: Risebrough would trade Al MacInnis in '94, which should have seen sales of tequila decline, as the biggest drinker in the city was now gone. Alas, they only increased. Because Risebrough was a shitty GM and the team sucked.

After Risebrough was put out of his misery, the team, in a drunken stupor, turned to Al Coates. Coates would turn Nieuwendyk and his greed into Jarome Iginla, temporarily putting a hurt on tequila sales. Unable to replace Joe's centre play, Coates would get fired and the tequila would flow, because the team was so awful. Again, by way of illustration, the Flames would trade Theo Fleury, the biggest drinker in the city, and tequila sales would not suffer.

After Coates was shown the door, Craig Button would take over as the GM. He would promptly buy stock in every major tequila brewery he could, because he knew he was in way over his head, and it was just a matter of time before the tequila started to flow. And you know what? He was right! As way of illustration, this idiot would spend a first round draft pick on AHL all-star Eric Nystrom.

Tequila would temporarily stop flowing when the team went to the Stanley Cup finals. After that year, one of the best coaches this team has ever had, Darryl Sutter, was promoted to GM. Tequila would start to flow soon after. After not drafting Jeff Carter, Mike Richards, or Ryan Getzlaf, elite, first line centremen this club desperately needed (and still needs), Darryl Sutter would draft red flag Dion Phaneuf. The pick would promptly bust. Tequila salesmen in this city were ecstatic. Darryl is still the GM of this team, and he is still making the fans of this team turn to tequila. The latest example of this was when he reacquired Olli Jokinen.

For making it that much easier to be a Flames fan, Tequila wins this weeks Roman Turek Profile In Courage Award.

Fuck, Darryl is crazy. He said at the press conference today that Langs is still hurt, and may in fact have to retire, and that is one of the reasons Olli was brought in. Which, it seems to us, is bullshit. Langkow is a 2 way centre...Olli is a waste of roster space, who loops into his body checks. We don't see how one can replace the other.

One other thing. At today's press conference, a reporter not named Rob Kerr asked a tough question to the GM of this team. What is the teams identity. To be quite honest, Sutter wasn't prepared for this show of teeth. Sutters answer? He first pretended that he didn't even understand the question. He asked "what do you mean?' and then he obfuscated. It was pathetic. This guy came to the team preaching, fucking preaching, about having an identity. And now when he is asked just what his team's identity is, he can't answer?

What the fuck is going on here? This guy has completely lost his way, and it appears he knows it. Custer's last stand is going to be, we don't know about entertaining, but it will certainly be interesting.

Furthermore, I think Peter Loubardias should be fired.


  1. Besides his stellar criminal record, the other reason Logan MacMillan is a baby Flame? Nepotism - Bobby MacMillan (2). Typical.

  2. am i wrong in thinking that sutter basically says the fans don't matter, in today's presser ?

    what a complete idiot. that's a shocker.

  3. He did. He laughed about it too.