Friday, July 16, 2010

Roman Turek Profile In Courage Award

It's Friday, and that means just one thing: Foul Balls are winners.

Uhh, what? Yes, that's right! It is that time of the week when we present the Roman Turek Profile In Courage Award (the RTPIC)!

So what happened this week? Well, the Americans cut their nose off to spite their face, which was nice. Nice for shareholders in Canadian banks, that is. President Obama, the gift that keeps on giving. For 2 more years. Not to get overly political, but Barney Frank and Chris Dodd are fucking morons, and these two fucking morons wrote FinReg, which means FinReg is fucking moronic. As KRS-One would say, what else happened? Well, sticking with fucking morons, some fucking moron of a judge let some muslim who strangled her daughter off, no jail time. The judges name is Sal LoVecchio. Sal, you're a fucking idiot. Didn't know they were handing law degrees out in Cracker Jack boxes these days. Speaking of segues, did you know Steve Jobs doesn't give a shit about you or your shitty Iphone4? Seriously, he blames problems with his shitty phone (the antenna is apparently made out of the feces of the slave workers who built it) on you, the user. You're holding it wrong, idiot! Apple then came out with a fix to it, which they were charging $30 dollars for. Sounds like Microsoft to me. Anyways, after the masses went nuts and Apple's brand took a beating, Mr. Jobs has a solution to the problem everyone could accept: You don't like the phone? Return it. Heckuva job you're doing, Browney! With all the qualified nominee's available, it was a very hard choice.

This week's winner of the Roman Turek Profile In Courage Award: Cowgirls.

Uhh...what were we talking about?


Cowgirls are actually very important to the history of Alberta. Did you know cowgirls are indigenous to Alberta? Yeah, it's true. Why do you think the RCMP came out this far into the hinterlands for (there is a joke in there that relates to the RCMP's love of killing innocent Aboriginals, but we won't go there)? And once the Mounties discovered that the Alberta foothills were full of cowgirls, men started to move out here. And the rest, as they say, is history.

Don't get it twisted. In your history book, it probably says something about free land or some shit as the catalyst that got people out into the West. That's all whitewash. It's pussy PC bullshit. They got land everywhere in Canada, yo. But cowgirls? Only in Alberta, dawg.

As we said earlier, cowgirls are a native species of Alberta. Sometimes though, this can be hard to tell, what with the summer being only a week long round these parts. But every July, for about 2 weeks, something gets into the air, and the cowgirls can't seem to help themselves. For about 2 weeks they go full bloom. It's awesome. Our personal favourite subspecies of cowgirl? It's the same as our favourite beer: One's that go down easy.

What? Sorry. Cowgirls, man. We can't help ourselves. Say, it's July now, right? Stampede is on, full bore? As we are writing this cowgirls are prancing around? Uhh...peace!

Furthermore, I think Peter Loubardias should be fired. He doesn't even like cowgirls.