Thursday, July 8, 2010

An Open Letter To Mike Richards

Dear Mike Richards,

We here at Domebeers.com (follow us on twitter, fool) really like and appreciate your show. We think you are a very funny guy, which can be hard to do waking up at 4 in the morning, every weekday.

That isn't to say your show is without its flaws. Firing Doug Kirkwood has hurt the show, there is no doubt. When you use the salary you were paying one guy to hire two people, the quality will suffer. You pay peanuts, you get monkeys. And there is no doubt that Andrew 'never kissed a girl' Walker and Squeaky Brad, while they might cost collectively the same as Doug Kirkwood did, aren't as funny, as entertaining, as captivating, or as talented as Doug is (although to be fair to Brad, we can tell he is working on his voice, which implies he is at least trying to step his game up). But you run a business. We can understand and live with that decision.

But your most recent move, to go on vacation, is one we cannot get behind at all. Oh, sure, you are allowed a vacation. You earned it. Power to you, funny man. But what you cannot do, under any circumstances whatsoever, is have Peter Loubardias come into replace you while you drink your face off, flirting with the skirts on some tropical white sand beach somewhere.

Fuck you Mike Richards. Loubardias has made this cities ears bleed for the last week or more. And it's your fault, asshole. You are the guy that let that walking pile of boring cliché’s into your studio. And you left him with Walker, the most uninteresting man in the world, a man who would rather talk about his Double A Baseball fantasy team's 3rd pitcher then boozing or girls, the staples of your show (yeah, we get it Walker, you hung out in junior dressing rooms while the rest of us were punching kitty. Veeeery impressive). How could you do this to a city you profess to love?

Mike, seriously, Loubardias is terrible. His overly inflectious, annoyingly pedestrian voice has no place on morning radio. Are you trying to get 1060AM's morning show higher ratings? Because that is exactly what you are doing, buddy. And after a few days of listening to Jimmy, the audience isn't going to come back, Mike. You're ruining your long term viability by putting those tools on the radio in your place.

Let us get to some specifics, Mike. Let us illustrate to you exactly how awful your morning show replacement crew is. Let's start with Loubardias, because Walker is a non entity, anyways (did we mention you should bring back Kirkwood?).

Mike, Loubardias cannot complete a sentence unless the word 'I', 'Me', or 'My' is in it. He is probably the most uncharismatic attention seeker we have ever had the misfortune to witness. He brings on guests just so he can tell the guests about his experiences. Yeah, like the audience gives a flying monkey shit about Loubardias. We want to hear what your guest has to say, you selfish prick. Mike, let me give you an example of Loubardias and his act:

Loubardias: Hi, I am Peter Loubardias, and today we have on with ME 'guest x' from 'hockey team y'. I love hockey, I think everybody knows how much I love hockey, and how fortunate I am to be talking about hockey, a game that I love. I am so privileged to be talking hockey. Do you know I call the Flames games? I am just so fortunate to be able to do that for MY hobby. MY hobby is so cool. MY hobby is calling hockey games, which I love doing. I just love it.

Guest X: Thanks Peter, I...

Loubardias: I love hockey so much, I have so many questions for you, which I thought up, on MY own. I love thinking questions to ask MY guests. I think it's outstanding that I can be doing this for a living. I know that I am so fortunate to be doing this for a living. I am so lucky to be here today. Waking up in the mornings is hard for ME, but I do it, because I love MY job.

Guest X: Uhh...

Loubardias: Well that's all the time I have to talk today. What a wonderful guest I booked. I love this hobby of MINE. I love hockey. I love sport. SKEEEEORES!

Mike, that's not us making that up, that's a fucking transcript from the show. This uninteresting, bromidic, annoyance actually thinks the listening audience at home wants to be regaled with stories about himself for 4 hours in the morning. Mike, the guy is fucking Darryl Sutter crazy. Loubardias had Charlie Simmer on and all he wanted to do was tell Charlie about his opinion. Hey, Crypt Keeper, we want to hear what the guest has to say, not whatever stupid, tame, non-opinion you have to offer. Mike, for reals, if people cared about what Loubardias thought, he would be doing the colour commentary, not the play by play.

And for fucks sake Mike, everything Loubardias hears about or talks about is just the most 'outstanding' thing he has ever heard. Or the most 'amazing', 'great', and/or 'fantastic'. Mike, honestly, the guy hears that water is wet, he replies 'That's amazing!'. He hears that humans need oxygen to breath, he goes 'What a great story!'. Hey Loubardias, we just farted. Somewhere, off in the distance, we hear a shrill, little voice going 'That's fantastic!'. Mike, the guy is a fucking newborn, going 'ooooo' whenever he see's something shiny. Please, make it fucking stop!

Mike, you know how it takes you 5 minutes to come up with and then spit out some incoherent sentence to ask your guest? Well, it takes Loubardias even longer! And he isn't funny, or insightful, or entertaining, so it's even worse than when you do it. Honestly, he wants to ask a guy about his skating, and he goes through the entire history of the skate before he can ask his stupid, pedestrian question. If it's a hockey player, it gets even worse, because the guy is like a 12 year old girl in the presence of the Beatles. Wipe the drool off your lap and just ask a question, idiot. Mike, it's awful.

And Mike, you're a veteran, so you will understand this. When you are on the radio, you are supposed to entertain. You are suppose to bring an opinion, and it helps if it isn't the consensus opinion. It's almost an unwritten rule that you and your co-host should disagree on air on whatever issue is presented before them, even if off air they don't. Yet Loubardias and Walker try their fucking best to reach consensus on everything they drone on about. It's stupid. Loubardias will change his opinion mid sentence if Walker disagree's with it. That is just on of many reasons he is a complete tool.

Kirkwood is available to fill in for you. You chose Loubardias. Why? Does he have pictures of you and a donkey?

Mike, do you remember your game show 'Gay Or Not Gay'? Well, we just spent a week listening to Andrew Walker and Peter Loubardias flirt with each other on the radio. Have we been 'gayed'? Can you absolve us?

To conclude: Loubardias is the worst thing to happen to this city since they let that homicidal maniac run the zoo. You put him on the air, which makes you culpable in the suck that was just unloaded on the radio. You owe the city a big fucking apology when you get back, Mike.

Yours truly,
Domebeers.com (which you can follow on twitter)

Furthermore, I think Peter Loubardias should be fired.

12 comments:

  1. the guy is fucking Darryl Sutter crazy

    love it.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I'd be nice if the fan 960 could get people that passed puberty, you know, have deep vioces, radio vioces.

    P.S: How did u get Murry Edwards to pose in a dress for you? Thats kind of creepy, but nice of him i guess.

    ReplyDelete
  3. That was a fascinating story, just remarkable!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Dear domebeers,com
    I came to you website expecting exciting news and insight on my beloved flames- seeing that you were mentioned on flamesnation i figured there was good reason to check your websight out. boy was i wrong, your useless drivel put me to sleep while i was trying to read your nonsense. It is no wonder only 3 people have replied to your "article" because im sure you only post the positives and i would be shocked if this message lasted more then a day on your pathetic website

    ReplyDelete
  5. haha. stumbled on this reading some flames stuff.

    great stuff!

    - walker

    ReplyDelete
  6. Hey dude this would've been the PD's call and not Mike's. If you wanna check out some of his funny stuff in Toronto including a Loubardias reading the phonebook impression. Gonna throw it up on the MikeRichardsTSN1050Radio youtube account. So funny

    ReplyDelete
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