Monday, July 26, 2010

Life And Times Of Harvey The Hound Volume 1

Domebeer-aholics, say hello to DeathHammer, a member of the vaunted DB crew. DeathHammer is actually the guy who invented Retro Night at the Saddledome. Not bad for credentials. He has also beaten 'Perfect Dark' on Perfect Agent, so he knows something about covert operations.
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By DeathHammer

It was a typical game day. Cocaine, vodka, prostitutes, and a long nap before the game. He was in section 215 this time, when Jarome blew a slap shot past the pasta addicted Bobby Lou. Everything was as usual. But the way it caught his eye, the way the violent dance of the flame called out to him brought him back, back to a time when he wasn’t the best dam mascot in the NHL (with the biggest penis).


All he could hear were the shells landing, gun fire, and the unforgettable sound of innocence being raped.

People call this place Columbia, but Harvey knew its real name: Hell.

He knew he was here for one reason, and one reason only, to kill Mendoza.

Mendoza had taken the country over, making it a haven for drug smuggling, terror training, and (c)oiler recruitment. Harvey’s orders were simple, kill Mendoza and as much of this administration as possible. And he was to find out who the mysterious Alpha was.

In his briefing with the head of the CIA, Arnold Schwarzenegger had told him about this Alpha and his possible connection with Mendoza. Harvey was to confirm the connection, if any, and then kill Mendoza.

“This is not a revenge mission, Harvey,” the barbarian said. “I know he killed your family, but you need to remember you are a professional being paid for a job. You fight as a professional, you’ll complete your mission; if you kill for blood down there they’ll use your body like you were a school girl visiting the Bernardo house.”

Harvey knew Arnold was right, but wasn’t sure he cared.


BAM!!!!!

The Air Force did its job. Now it was Harvey’s chance to get into Mendoza’s stronghold.

He kicked in the door without remorse, using gunfire as his flashlight. 5, 6, 7 men dead? It didn’t matter to Harvey, as long as he could see their blood, because that’s the only thing that satisfied him at this point.

The first floor was cleared when he stumbled upon the half-dead pile of puke Mendoza called a bodyguard.

“Where is he!?” Harvey demanded.

“Top floor, with Alph...” The bodyguard couldn’t finish as more and more blood poured out of his mouth.

As Harvey walked toward the final show down, he could hear the dying bodyguard moan “Help me… mercy please.”

Harvey scoffed but then knew better. He turned back to the POS still grasping to life. “Mercy? Why, of course.” Harvey became overjoyed when he saw the fear in the shit eating bodyguard’s eyes, then his mouth began to foam as he reached for his C4. Harvey attached it to the rag doll of a human, and then decided to send him up the elevator to the top floor.

Harvey pressed the up button on the elevator, sending it to the top floor, and then went back to his sweet ass super jet to see the fire works show.

HUGE ASS EXPLOSION!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The top floor was totally wiped out, and the building collapsed faster then anyone’s respect for Dion Phaneuf upon meeting him.

"Just like the Stampede," Harvey thought to himself as he began to start up his 21st century pussy wagon. Arnold was right. He worked professionally and survived, killing both Mendoza and Alpha…. But that’s when he saw it: the helicopter. He could smell the stench of fear from Mendoza. It was unmistakable.

Harvey fired up his sweet ass jet and began his chase. 50, 40, 30 meters away from Mendoza’s copter. Harvey had no more rockets, and his machine guns were jammed. Harvey knew he’d have to jump onto his enemy’s helicopter.

With one shot Harvey remembered his dead family, sneered, and positioned his jet perpendicular to his foe. At the perfect angle, he hit the eject button, and launched himself into the enemy helicopter. It was totally bad ass, Die Hard styles.

“Har…Har… Harvey, I thought you... you…”

“Left?” Harvey interrupted. “You know there are two things I can’t stand in this world, pasta addicted goalies, and drug dealers who piss their pants when met with justice.”

“Spare me Harvey, please. I didn’t… I didn’t kill your incredibly hot wife with huge knockers.”

That shocked the usually stone walled hound. “Liar, trying to save your life with lies?”

“It’s true, it’s true” the pee stained Mendoza cried. “It was…”

“WHO!?!” Harvey demanded.

“Alpha!!!” Mendoza yelped.

Shock flowed throughout his body. All these years tracking down Mendoza, a total waste.

“Who is Alpha?” Harvey said, stabbing through Mendoza’s hand with his knife.

“I don’t know, I swear!” The pants pisser cried. Harvey turned the knife to ‘Doza’s nuts.

“All I know is the he says ‘'SKEEEYORES’ when he signs off, and tells me where something called Adam Pardy is from.”

Harvey knew that’s all he’d get from this scumbag. He then flew the copter upside down, and dropped Mendoza slowly feet first through the blades. So fuck’en gangster! The pain he knew Mendoza felt was more than satisfying. Harvey flew back to Vegas to rack up the pussy miles.


“Mr. Hound, can I get a picture of you and my kid?” A gentle fan asked.

“Of course, of course. I am just a mascot, after all.”

Written by DeathHammer. Posted by AZR.

Furthermore, I think Peter Loubardias should be fired. So does DeathHammer.

6 comments:

  1. This is insane. Funny, but insane.

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  2. The best part in the history of Harvey the hound is when Mac-T pulled out his tongue. I hate mascots in general and Harvey in particular.

    It's pretty sad that the corporate crowd in Calgary needs a mascot to be entertained. They should be able to get their jollies watching Steve Staios lead (props to DB for that one).

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  3. Don't mix not having a mascot with not being able to afford one. Maybe your drug dealer owner can grease that out of the tax payers too.

    Perhaps harvey killed your proposed mascot, cuz harvey don't play that shit.

    Maybe they could stuff the person Mac-T killed, and use them as the mascot!

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  4. Anon-That's just ridiculous. Get a name if you want to beak.

    My point is that mascots don't really add anything to the game (unless you are less than seven years old).

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  5. all i would like to say is my favorite cheer when the coil is in the house "MCTAVISH IS A MURDERER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

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  6. As much as I enjoy laughing at the expense of a dead woman, I thought the funniest line was 'pasta addicted goalie Bobby Lou'

    I dunno RT, I like Harvey. Last game I was at, he was standing behind a woman doing the dry humps, which is just up my alley.

    When I was a kid, he came to my school and me and my buddy tried to rip his tongue out. I was Mctavish before there was Mctavish.

    ReplyDelete