Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Interview With Murray Edwards


In light of some of the confusing moves recently made by the administration of the Flames, we here at Domebeers have decided that it was time to interview Flames principle owner, Murray Edwards.

We turned to Mr. Edwards for answers because, well, can you turn to Darryl?

DB is Domebeers.com, and ME is Murray Edwards. Enjoy.
...

DB: Today we have with us one of the richest men in the world. Valued at over 1.5 billion dollars, this man is a world class investor, and more importantly, philanthropist. The man who helped keep the Flames in Calgary, Mr. Murray Edwards.

ME: Je vous remercie pour l'introduction belle. Vous ĂȘtes trop bon. Comment faites-vous, mes amis?

DB: We are doing great Murray, but could you keep your answers in English? This interview is going to be seen by the plebs, and not our usual circle.

ME: Oh, sure. The Queens English it is then.

DB: So, Murray, how would you grade the season and how it played out?

ME: Oh, the philharmonic season this year was absolutely outstanding. They did German composers last year, and you know how I feel about all that noise Wagner produced. This year they got it right, and went with French composers. I always say, I'd take one Machaut over 1000 Bach's.

DB: No no, Murray. We meant the hockey season.

ME: Hockey season? Hokey? Ho-ckey?

DB: You know, that team that you own, the hockey team? The one where a bunch of guys try to score on another bunch, no homo? Played with sticks and...

ME: Oh, yes! With the elephants and the croquet posts! That is just wonderful to watch, isn't it? Well, let me tell you that we did just fabulously.

DB: Uhh, no. Close, but no. The one played on ice, with a puck?

ME: Oh, that one! Yes, yes I know what you are talking about. So how did we do this year? Darryl says we did great. Hey, when do those 'extra games' start? Those are pretty fun.

DB: Extra games? You mean playoff games?

ME: Yes, playoff games, yes, of course. Those are a jolly good time.

DB: Umm, we didn't make the playoffs this year.

ME: Oh? That is too bad. What with Darryl going on and on about what a great team I have, I just naturally assumed. Hey, I have a question for you, if you don't mind.

DB: No, not at all, go ahead.

ME: How did Dion do this year?

DB: Dion? Dion isn't on the team anymore.

ME: Oh? He got injured?

DB: Uhh, he got traded. Didn't Darryl tell you?

ME: Well, I'm sure he did. You know, he is very difficult to understand, what with his refusal to enunciate.

DB: Ha, no doubt. I think it is all the milskey. Murray, your team has made some controversial moves this year...

ME: Oh? Like what?

DB: Well, there was the Dion trade, then there was the Matt Stajan extension, the acquisition of Ales Kotalik for Olli Jokinen, the re-signing of Alex Tanguay and Olli Jokinen, and then taking Ian White to arbitration.

ME: Well, I don't see what is so controversial about those moves. Darryl told me they were all great. At least I think he did. Again, it's hard to decipher the mumbles.

DB: Well, if you would allow me to press. Let's start with the Matt Stajan extension. Why the hell did you give Matt Stajan an extension?

ME: Ha, calm down there guys. Who is Matt Stajan?

DB: Who is Matt Stajan? He is the guy you got back from the Dion Phaneuf trade with the Maple Leafs.

ME: Oh, him! Yes, I like him. I have actually seen him! We were at the same chalet in Sweden. I like skiing, and the skiing there is wonderful. Well, I don't see what there is to be upset about; he is really big, and he is a former captain of the Maple Leafs. He is also a centre, which Darryl assures me is very important.

DB: What? Uh, Murray, we think you are talking about Mats Sundin...who is retired.

ME: No, no, guys, you are definitely confused. I may not know much about the ice hockey, but I know you wouldn't trade Dion Phaneuf for Matt Stajan.

DB: You know Murray, from that statement, it looks like you may know more about the ice hockey, as you put it, than Darryl Sutter. Let's move on. A lot of the fans of this team were not happy with the acquisition of Ales Kotalik. If you could, please, shed some light on that particular move.

ME: Well, you know ownership, and by ownership, I mean me, and not those poor hangers on that I let hang out in my box, doesn't really get involved in the day to day of the club. I'm busy running a business, a very successful one. You could say that I am somewhat of a 'casual hockey fan'. But when Darryl told me I could acquire a player who was a mix of Bob Probert and Brett Hull, well, I had to get involved. I had to say yes to that acquisition.

DB: A mix of Bob Probert and Brett Hull? Ales Kotalik?

ME: Yes, that's how Darryl sold it to me. Darryl says he is our most physical forward, and he can score 30 goals, which, Darryl tells me, is very important in hookey.

DB: 'Hockey', it's pronounced 'hockey', Murray. I don't want to shock you, but Darryl just put Kotalik on waivers. He is trying to get rid of him.

ME: What? Oh no, that is horrible news. I guess I will have to go to the ballet with that Finnish chap now.

DB: Kiprusoff?

ME: No, I haven't seen that one yet. Is it any good?

DB: It's not a ballet, that's the starting goalies name. Did you mean Hagman then?

ME: Yes, Hagman, that is his name. Between you guys and me, that guy is a philistine. He doesn't know his 'La Bayadere' from his 'Le Corsaire'! Can you imagine?

DB: Oh man, crazy. Murray, we appreciate the time you have given us, we just have a few more questions if you could be so kind.

ME: Sure, go ahead. It's not like I have a billion dollar oil and gas empire to oversee.

DB: Your team recently re-acquired Olli Jokinen. At the press conference, Darryl said that you were on board with the move...

ME: Oily Jokenan? I'm sorry, I am not familiar with that name.

DB: Uhh, the guy Darryl traded Lombardi and a first round draft pick for? The guy Darryl would later trade to the Rangers for Ales Kotalik?

ME: I have a villa in Lombardy.

DB: The ugly guy with the goofy moustache?

ME: Oh, him! Yes, I'm very excited he is back on board. He is a premier player in this league.

DB: He is? Who told you that?

ME: Why, Darryl did, of course. Why do you guys look so stunned? Darryl wouldn't lie to me, right?

DB: Well, to be quite honest...

DB: Anyways, Murray, moving on. There has been quite a lot of calls, from the media and the fans in Calgary, for Darryl Sutter to be fired. We heard that the organization was reviewed following the season. Was there ever a chance for a change in administration?

ME: Oh yes, there was a chance. But I talked to some very good hockey people, and they assured me that Darryl was doing a great job, so I kept him on as the GM of the Fire.

DB: The Fire? You mean the Flames, don't you?

ME: Right, right, the Flames.

DB: Do you mind sharing with us who those respected hockey people were?

ME: Sure, there were lots of them. Brent Sutter gave his thumbs up, as did Brian and Rich...Sutter. Darryl also received ringing endorsements from Duane Sutter and Ron Sutter. When all those respected hockey voices tell me to do something, I listen.

DB: And you are a self made billionaire? Ok then. A couple more questions and then we will let you go.

ME: Sure.

DB: Flat tax, fair tax, or progressive tax?

ME: Flat. I am an accountant by trade, guys.

DB: Peter Loubardias: Worst play by play man in hockey, or in sport?

ME: Worst play by play guy in sport. Loubardias is terrible. He is worse than Rod Phillips. Do you know how bad you have to be to be worse than Rod Phillips?

DB: Believe us, Murray. We know. Hey, did you know you could follow us on twitter?

ME: Of course I do. I already follow Domebeers! I think everybody should, too.
...

Well, there it is, folks. We hope that this little interview helped shed some light on how this organization is run, and the mindset of ownership.

Furthermore, I think Peter Loubardias should be fired.

2 comments:

  1. U spent ur whole interview bitching about d.sutter, and then put ME in a dress?

    If u have 5 minutes of the man's time, u gotz to hit on more issues then the backwards hill biilly GM!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hey Anonymous--You do realize that this is a fictional interview don't you?

    ReplyDelete