Ladies and gentlemen, Domebeer-aholics, we have somber news.
The cities only 24 hour sports radio station, the FAN960, hates you.
Hates you. Hates your face, hates your hair, hates your smell. Hates your guts. Just plain hates you.
How else do you explain the tag team of Peter Loubardias and Squeaky Brad on the morning show? The morning show that runs from 6 AM to 10 AM. Do they really expect people to be able to take that stuff at 6 in the morning? We are surprised that every car driver on the Deerfoot didn't drive into the Bow in an attempt drown themselves, just to make it stop.
Honestly, when AZR woke up this morning to the harpies call that is Peter Loubardias's voice, he thought he had died in his sleep from a heart attack, and had awoken to his own personal hell. When he looked out his window to see what hell looked like, and saw that it looked normal, and that the streets were not filled with zombie Wayne Gretzky's, the idea that a radio station would willingly put Loubardias on the radio that early in the morning hit him like a Sarich punch to the face. He literally threw up all over himself.
And you know what? He should have. Loubardias is awful, and on top of that, he is a complete tool. We do not know if you caught it or not, but Mike Richards, a person we actually admire a fair bit, because, well, we admire anybody who can pay the bills by making people laugh, asked Peter if he would read the phonebook for him, on the air. When a play by play guy is asked to read the phonebook, it is understood to be a complement. It means that you are so good at your job that you could read the phonebook and still be interesting. This made the request seem odd to us, as Mike knows Peter is terrible and boring. We know Mike knows because he made fun of him in his famous 'Peter Loubardias Reads The Phonebook' skit. Anyways, Mike asked Peter to read the phonebook live on the air, and do you know what that asshat Loubardias did? He read the phonebook alright, but like any one of us would read the phonebook. No inflection, no nuance in his voice, none of the play by play tricks actual, legitimate play by play guys use. He just read it. Mike actually had to stop him and tell him to read it like he was calling play by play, that's how big a tool Loubardias is.
It was fucking embarrassing to listen too. Is Peter Loubardias a robot? Where the hell is this guys pulse?
Seriously, what the fuck? Last week they made us sit through Boomer and his unfunny shit (is there anything more dangerous for radio ratings than Boomer assuming he is funny?), and now when Mike gets back, they put him on with Loubardias. Fuck, bad FAN960, very bad FAN. You didn't pay Peter for that, did you?
Look, we even kinda get it, on a comedy level. Mike is the funny guy, Loubardias is the straight man. But in order for that to work, the straight man has to be able to understand the joke and run with it. Loubardias takes his shit way to seriously for it to work. Mike cracks a one liner and Peter responds with five minutes of verbal diarrhea. It makes for shitty radio.
Listen, Mike already can't ask a question in a coherent fashion. It takes him 5 minutes of babbling if he wants to ask what the weather is like. And you pair that guy with a blowhard who bloviates in an awful voice? Every question takes 10 minutes now? Fuck, I'm surprised their guests don't hang up on them.
Honestly, we would have preferred Squeaky Brad over Loubardias. Squeaky Brad tries to nail the Drill Crew Girls. That's a big fucking plus in our books. He may have a voice worse than Loubardias's (by the way Brad, not to be hating, but how good of an engineer do you have to be to be allowed on the radio sounding like that?), but at least he doesn't speak for 30 minutes at a time.
This needs to be stopped now. Look, as the team is right now, there isn't any cap space to bring in a free agent, so the Flames can't apologize to the fans by doing that. Sutter hasn't given us a sop by trading or buying out Kotalik, Sarich, and Staios. The coach who employs a defensive shell whenever the team is up by a goal is still here, so the hockey isn't going to get any less boring to watch. Yeah, there is going to be an outdoor game. What a gift, the right to pay 200 times the cost of a regular season ticket to sit outside in the cold and watch Cammo score on us.
Listen Flames, you can make this right. Get Loubardias off the broadcast, tell Simmer he has to shape up or ship out, and get some people in there that can actually make watching boring, slow hockey slightly more enjoyable.
Look, have any of you watched a Blue Jay game on Rodgers this year? They went from the worst booth in the league, one that featured the shittacular Jamie Campbell as the play by play guy, to one of the best booths in the league with the acquisition of Buck Martinez. And you know what? A better booth makes watching the games better, more enjoyable. The booth can be turned around that quickly. We don't need to be saddled with Loubardias's suck.
Sportsnet, buck up and hit the free agent market. We hear that good ol' J.R. is available. Sign his fucking ass, and do it yesterday. Jim Ross even rocks a cowboy hat. 'Nuff said.
Domebeer-aholics, again, we need your help. TELL SPORTSNET TO FIRE LOUBARDIAS. DO IT! DO IT NOW!
Furthermore, I think Peter Loubardias should be fired.