Monday, June 21, 2010

Kotalik V Stalin

Our first attempt at this went alright, and because we have nothing to talk about right now...

Ales Kotalik was born in 1978. He was born in what was then Czechoslovak Socialist Republic. Do you know what that makes him? It makes him a born and bred Soviet.

Do you know who else was a Soviet? Iosif Vissarionovich Dzhugashvili, AKA Joseph V. Stalin.

Ahh, the Soviets. Everybody makes mistakes, and they were God's. Give the big man upstairs a mulligan. Darryl Sutter, not divine in any way, makes plenty of mistakes too, but boy, this Kotalik one was a whopper.

Which got us here at DB thinking...Just which Soviet was a bigger mistake?

Now, this hard hitting analysis is the stuff doctorates are made of, and, well, if we were to do the exhaustive study, you would be here reading all week. Nobody wants that, so in the interest of read-ability (patent pending on that new bit of English) we have shortened our list of comparisons down to around seven.

As always, we start at the beginning. During the 09-10 season, the Calgary Flames endured a nine game losing streak. This lack of success poisoned fatally an already fragile locker room, and any hopes the Flames had at a playoff birth for that year. In the midst of the turmoil, a reeling and desperate Flames organization would send the contracts of Brandon Prust and some Finish guy with a moustache to the New York Rangers in exchange for Ales 'Man Of Steel' Kotalik and some UFA.

Needless to say, the fans were thrilled.

Joseph Stalin came to power when Lenin died. Lenin had been a hero to the people, or at least the union bosses, and most thought that Trotsky would replace him as the leader of the Communist Party. Joseph Stalin had some guy put an ice pick through Trotsky's skull, so that kinda ended that idea. With Lenin and Trotsky dead, a bureaucrat with a taste for blood, Stalin, would assume control of the Communist Party.

Needless to say, Russians were thrilled.

Anyways, now that the back stories are filled in, let's get down to it:

1) Joseph Stalin administered the Great Soviet Empire. At it's height, it stretched from the middle of Berlin in the west, to the Pacific Ocean in the east. That's almost 6 bajillion miles of territory that were administered from the central power base in Moscow. And by central power base, we mean Joseph Stalin.

Ales Kotalik has been here for, what, three months, and he still can't get the system down.

2) Joseph Stalin oversaw the construction of a system of forced collectivization. As a result of this policy, farmers abandoned their fields, and the Soviet Union experienced a famine on a biblical scale, that would last years.

Speaking of famines, Ales Kotalik has scored exactly 3 goals as a Flame.

3) Joseph Stalin, through his policy decisions, was responsible for the deaths of 30 million people. Policies like forced collectivization led to the deaths of 10's of millions of people. Jospeh Stalin's purges of the Soviet administration would result in the liquidation of the best and brightest of the Russian people. Joseph Stalin's disastrous handling of Hitler's initial invasion of the Soviet Union resulted, again, in the deaths of millions of people.

At $3 million dollars a year for the next 2 years, Ales Kotalik is killing the Calgary Flames cap.

4) Joseph Stalin had a bad ass moustache. Seriously. With a 'stache like that, Sutter would have had this cat playing top line centre minutes, easy.

Ales Kotalik? Conspicuously clean shaven.

5) Joseph Stalin signed a Non-Aggression Pact with the Nazi's.

Ales Kotalik played for the Edmonton Oilers.

6) In Russian, 'Stalin' means 'man of steel' and this appellation was attached to Joseph because of his cold, ruthless management style. Also, he killed a lot of people without breaking a sweat.

In Czech, 'Kotalik' means 'most physical player on the ice, but you don't know that because you are an idiot casual fan who has never played any minutes in the NHL'. For reals. Just ask Darryl.

7) Joseph Stalin died.

Ales Kotalik...you know what, we don't want to get sued, or have anybody take this the wrong way. Which makes this a perfect time to pimp our twitter. Yeah, Domebeers twitters, fool. You can follow us by searching for 'Domebeers'. Loubardias follows us, you should too.

And that actually is probably a good time to end it. So who is the bigger mistake? That's for you to decide, Domebeer-aholics.
...

Umm, when the hell is Spezza getting here?

Furthermore, I think Peter Loubardias should be fired.

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