Thursday, June 10, 2010

Earth To The Two National Fish Wraps

The National Post, and the Globe And Mail. Those are the two 'national' papers in this hockey mad country. We don't know if you guys know this or not, but the Stanley Cup was awarded last night. What do you think would be on the front pages of the sports sections in those two newspapers? The Stanley Cup, right?


Boredom. The front pages of those two newspapers are devoted to the World Cup of Boredom.

Umm, what the fuck are those sports editors thinking?

Check it out yourself. The National Post, The Globe And Mail. You didn't know Canada was so soccer mad, did you? Well, that's because it isn't. Toronto and Vancouver are, and we think that pretty much explains what is wrong with those two cities.

Seriously, soccer sucks. We don't understand the fascination with watching 11 guys play the trap for 90 minutes plus. We get why the Europeans like it: they are soft. We don't get why the sport 'elite' are trying to push soft soccer on the rest of us. Flopping? Don't we see enough of that in the NBA?

Baseball is a beautiful game. It is poetry in motion. Hockey? Artistry on the ice. Soccer? Slow and choppy. Unwatchable.

Look, Europeans are hooked on the welfare state. They don't work. They have all day to sit and drink and watch soccer players fake injuries. North Americans have to work to support the rest of the world. We don't have time to spend a week preparing for a riot so we can tare the stadium that was built with tax dollars down.

You want to know who is going to win? Organized mafia. Soccer is the most dirty sport in the world. It is more corrupt than basketball. Really, when the mob is setting the scores for the games, can you really call it a sport? It's a sideshow, just like the NBA.

But, hey, we will play a long. We will give you all the scores for every game that will be played at the World Cup. Get ready, here they are:

Team A: 0 Team B: 0. Boredom, drug use, and prostitution win.

One other thing. South Africa can't afford this shit. They spent money they didn't have on stadiums they will have no use for after this tournament is down. South Africa is riddled with problems. Domebeer-aholics, you know us, we aren't the bleeding heart liberal types. We are not talking about issues like fairness and that. We are talking issues like how getting killed for your car is a common occurrence in South Africa. We are talking about how it is a terrible place to start a business because of all the corruption. We are talking about a place where the British completely destroyed the fabric of society. But hey, soccer will fix that. Whatever.

Can we talk about a few things? Cool. So after sitting through 6 games of Jim Hughson and Mike Emrick, we wanted to kill ourselves. Take Doc off the list for Loubardias replacements. Hey, CBC, never put Hughson on again. Thanks!

Actually, Hughson's colour guy was just as fucking awful as Hughson. Anybody with a deep voice can do these jobs. Why don't they get anybody with a deep voice?

Listening to the radio right now, and the Pope just took a shot at Sutter. He said that in a certain Stanley Cup final we all remember we were screwed out of, a certain coach who would later become the GM should have called a timeout after the Eliminator's phantom goal. Funny.

Furthermore, I think Peter Loubardias should be fired.


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