It's Friday, and that means just one thing: rough sex with 16 year old prostitutes!
What? Oh yeah, you are right. It is also that time again to present this weeks Roman Turek Profile In Courage Award (The RTPIC!).
Like all the weeks previous, this week offered plenty of worthy nominees. Domebeer-aholics, last week we told you to get your money out of the market. Guess what? Your ass should have listened, because yesterday, the DOW lost 400 points, which makes this weeks loss about 500 points. The cause? Well, besides communists running the worlds governments and banks? Besides allowing broke countries into your monetary union? We are blaming Germany, and it's slow approval of a too-small bailout (Domebeers is anti bailout, but this is a sports website, so enough of that). Ah, Germany. You remember Germany, right? Lead actor in the Catholic civil wars of the Middle Ages? The intellectual playground of socialism, communism, and fascism? The aggressor nation in World War One, and its sequel, World War Two: War Harder? Yeah, well, the barbarian, warrior Germans, who a bunch of farmboys from Canada and America absolutely destroyed, have been reduced to marrying their cats. Adolph is spinning in his fucking grave. How does one exactly consummate that marriage? Speaking of small penises (10 points for that segue), some TSA worker in Miami went all Steven Seagal on a co-worker after he went through the new nude scanner machines. The TSA worker, let's call him Rolando, went through the scanner and ooops! it was a little too cold out. One of Rolando's co-workers, let's call him Hugo (people, seriously, real life is better than fiction), wouldn't let Rolando's lack of physical talent go, and ridiculed him constantly. Rolando met the cat in the parking lot and attacked him with a metal baton. Hugo couldn't take his come-uppance like a man and tattled and got Rolando arrested. What a bitch. For reals, the guys who are paid (peanuts) to keep the flying public safe are essentially junior high kids. Lovely. As always, this was a very tough choice.
This weeks winner of the Roman Turek Profile In Courage Award: Super Dave Osborne!
Super Dave Osborne began life, oddly enough, as plain old Dave Osborne. Born in LA during the Dirty 30's to a meek and mild family of traveling prophylactic salesmen, early life in California was poor, but not for lack of love. One day, Dave's father took the family out to see a circus show, and as luck would have it, the cannon balls that where to be shot out of a...cannon were delayed on the highway. Dave's father quickly struck a deal with the circus ringleader and in less time then it takes to say 'sayanora' little Dave was loaded into that cannon and shot out over the heads of the amazed crowd below. The 50 bucks Dave's father earned that day came nowhere close to covering the medical bills of Dave, and it probably wasn't worth child services taking his son away, but it did, in a sense, buy Dave his title of 'Super' and 'daredevil'.
Dave would spend the rest of his childhood years moving from foster home to foster home and state to state. Along his journey across America, Super Dave would perform crazy, outlandish, and over the top stunts at county fairs and weddings, slowly but steadily growing his reputation as the premier underage performer of illegal stunts in the country. It was during this time in Super Dave's life that he would be married and divorced 5 times. Because the alimony cheques needed to be paid, Super Dave was forced to keep putting his body and life on the line for the dollar.
In the following years, Super Dave would grow and develop his brand, start several successful television shows, and even star in the movies in his native California. But for all his latent success, something was missing from Super Dave's life. The initial thrill of that inaugural flight from a shoddy cannon over that shocked crowd at the circus was what Super Dave yearned for.
One day in 2009 - 2010, while sipping Hendrick's gin and eating Beluga cavier, Super Dave happened to receive a phone call from Calgary Flames GM Darryl Sutter. Darryl had seen this on TV:
Darryl's team, the Calgary Flames, were engaged in a similar free fall. Darryl wanted to know how Super Dave stuck that landing, and if he could come down to Calgary and teach his team how stick their landing, if you will. Super Dave thought he might be able to find that feeling that he was searching for, and quickly agreed to help Darryl out on his 'stunt'.
If Darryl had bothered to finish watching Super Dave's free fall, he would know that, alas, Super Dave did not stick the landing. And with Super Dave brought onboard to help manage the Flames, the team from Calgary would not stick it's landing, either. Midseason acquisitions of loser Maple Leafs, loser Rangers, and a loser Duck (after all, why the fuck not trade for Vesa?) would not be enough to right the ship, and the Flames would indeed go splat at the end of the season.
For providing Darryl Sutter with yet another scapegoat, Super Dave Osborne wins this week's Roman Turek Profile In Courage Award.
Domebeer-aholics, Mom's day is on Sunday. We want you alive and well, and able to read this hilarious site next week, so please, don't forget and force Mom to murder you.
Bob Nicholson and Stevie Y? Puke. WE WANT LANNY!
Furthermore, I think Peter Loubardias should be fired.