Friday, May 21, 2010

Roman Turek Profile In Courage Award


It's Friday, and that means one thing: time to go down on girls with longer pubic hair than you have!

Uhh, what? Shit, that's right. It is also that time of the week when we present the Roman Turek Profile In Courage Award (The RTPIC!).

Man, Domebeer-aholics, what a mad week this was. Have we become your investing conscience yet? Well, if we had, you would have saved a lot of money this week, unless you short naked, in which case get gone with your bad, freaky self. Yes, the charnel house of death and slaughter that is Europe continues to operate unabated, only it has moved from the battlefields to the marketplace. The Greek debt crisis 'solution' has only exasperated the problem. Honestly, could we stop with all this tinkering and poorly thought out regulation and get back to free markets? Let's take a quick look at what Greece has given us: anal sex, democracy, debt crisis. Thanks. Thanks a lot. Actually, while we are on the topic of the Greek art, we find that it has made its way into the Middle Kingdom, and comrade, they aignt too pleased about it. A Chinese professor was arrested for running a 'swinger' group, and his defence made freedom loving sex crazed nymphomaniacs everywhere proud: "We were not hurting anybody!" Somewhere, John Locke's cadaver is smiling. Speaking of life and death (weak segue, Domebeers) scientists have gone all Dr. Frankenstein and, well, IT'S ALIVE!!! (it's from the book, fuck literacy). Hey, we have an idea. Let's start cooking up some artificial people so we can ship them over to Greece, and they might actually get a tax base to start repaying their loans with. We can dream. As always, the nominees presented us with a tough choice.

This weeks winner of the Roman Turek Profile In Courage Award: Chris 'Big' Bawl. Honestly, who else could it have been?



CTV News, your vaginapagina is showing.

We found that the youtube is fucking with us in our attempt to find some of Chris's stunts. Fuck your couch, youtube. Daredevils are sweet, and the world needs more of them. Rock the fuck on, Mr. Bawl.

But how did Chris first discover the urge to jump off of objects travelling at various rates of speed? Was it the hyphy culture and the ghost riding? Was it a desire for fame, money, and women (stop projecting, Domebeers)? No, no, of course it wasn't. Anybody who was at a Calgary Flame home game this year knows exactly why Mr. Balls started to develop the urge to jump off of moving objects.

Yes, it is true. Chris Bawl, a lifelong fan of Calgary Flames, was watching the Calgary Flames play Nashville in what would turn out be the most boring game of hockey every played, when it hit him: to get the suck he had just witnessed out of his brain, he would have to get his brain out of his head. And so our good Mr. Bawl set out to do just that.

Climbing to the top of the nearest overpass, Chris decided he was taking a stand. He would no longer be subject to the suck of the 09-10 version of his beloved fire snorting horse heads (best jersey ever, by the way, and if you know where we can get one, please, do tell). He quickly texted his mother and father a goodbye note, took one last look at the moon and stars, and jumped off the overpass. Sweet release was waiting for him at the bottom of the road.

Unfortunately for Chris, God hates quitters. Chris did not hit the pavement that night, and did not get the release from the suck that he had been hoping for. Instead, he landed on top of a truck going 100 Kid Miles an hour. God would not allow him to escape the Flames suckage so easily. Chris, however, was undeterred. He would immediately leap from the truck, only to land on a SUV, which he then jumped off, only to land on a compact car, which he again leaped from, only to fall on an old woman using a walker. The big guy upstairs thought it was hilarious.

Chris would return home that night with an even more intense determination to rid his mind of the hockey suck he had witnessed in the Dome that night, but alas, it would do no good. Chris would try harder and harder to jump off things to get his brain out of his dome, but he would find that the more he tried to hit the pavement, the more he would land on trucks, cars, trains, and other cool ass shit. Armed with the knowledge that there might be no release for him from the boring, no heart hockey played by the Flames, he would set his heart out on topping Evel Knievel. Also, he enjoyed it when Rob Kerrs vagina got all crotchety about his stunts on the radio.

For sticking to the man, brah, Chris 'Big' Bawl wins this week's Roman Turek Profile In Courage Award.
...

Domebeer-aholics, we want to do a little housekeeping, and put some cards on the table. You will notice that besides our friend Jack (character counts, motherfucker) we don't have advertisements on this site. It is art for art's sake (unless someone offers real cash, hint hint). With that said, dear Reader, we also write this thing for you. We started this site because we felt that a voice like ours was missing from the scene (well, also for fame, to get on the radio, to get on the tv, and to get in the newspapers). But as talented as magnificent as we are, we cannot read minds. We don't hate our audience. We love the Domebeer-aholics. We want to be loved back. If there is something you like/hate about the site, let us know. As we said, it is art for art's sake so we might not go with your idea, but we want to hear them nonetheless.

For the year, we have had over 4000 visitors to the site (with over 1500 being labeled unique, whatever that means), and over 6500 page hits. We know the legions of Domebeer-aholics are out there. We are on our way to 20,000. We thank you for the support and the love you have shown us, and we want to give back by making this a even more enjoyable place for you to kill time at work on. But for that, feedback is required. Drop us a line about what you like or don't like, if you have the time. It would be appreciated. We promise we won't out you and make fun of you on the site.

We also have another favour to ask of you. Keep sending your emails, letters, or comments in to Sportsnet, telling them that Peter Loubardias is giving you brain tumours, and that it needs to stop. We can do this people. We can get an actual Play By Play person you can listen too into the booth. Hell, if we got CP to fix their links, anything is possible.

Furthermore, I think Peter Loubardias should be fired.

***UPDATE***

So we don't know if it is Chris Bawl or Chris Ball. We have seen it both ways. If someone knows, let us know so we can fix it. Also, we found his movie trailer.


Chris Bawl Teaser

Wade | MySpace Video


So if we mispelled your name, Chris, we apologize, and we make up for it with the posting of the trailer.

Furthermore (again), I think Peter Loubardias should be fired.

1 comment:

  1. I'd have to agree. Even though I'd suggested you nominate yourself Mr. Bawl has you beat hands down.

    ReplyDelete