Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Terrible Admission

Domebeer-aholics, are you as starved for legitimate, authentic Flame news from a trusted source? We are too. What to do, what to do?

We wear red, yo, so we read red. Looking around, what can we find?

'Coyotes ready to howl' is fucking classic. You're the best, Calgary Sun Headline Writer. I bet it took more time to write the headline than to think it up. God, they pay you people? How about "Arizona shocked to learn people in Detroit have jobs'? Anyways, looking at the Sun's sports page we see a grand total of 0, or the amount of Cups the Canucks have, stories on the Flames. Hey, did you know Tito Ortiz didn't smack his bitch up because he wanted to, but rather because he had too? Do you know we couldn't give less of a fuck?

So let's zip over to the adult paper in town. Is their motto really 'Proudly Calgary since 1883'? That isn't us fucking with grammar, that is a NEWSPAPER doing it, for reals. Seriously Calgary Herald, Domebeers can help you with that whole 'marketing' thing. Just leave an email. How about 'We're a Broadsheet'? Too in your face? Ok, cruising the sports page...cruising...cruising...continuing to cruise. Ok, at the bottom of the page, they got like some sort of movie theatre thingy (technical term). Full of Flames stories from the end of the year, which is to say, full of 'Iggy-wants-out-no-he-doesn't' fuel, and clips of Darryl Sutter looking like a cheap paper-mache doll with a bitter beer face. Kudos for having something Flames related on, we guess.

We are still hungry. Should we do it? Should we take the fateful step and walk into the cold, Erebuse-ian wasteland that is Calgarypuck?

Wow. What a shitty homepage. Well, let's not judge a book by its cover. We don't know about this place, so let's click the 'About CP' button. Well, that is a little odd. The link didn't work. Hmmm. Must be a fluke. Let's see who what happens when you click the 'Links' button. Ha, you're fucking joking. This one didn't work either. The 'CP Radio' button didn't work as well. This is really fucking hokey. We see they have a 'Donate' button and a 'CP Gear' button. These have to do with money, with CP's ends. These buttons better work. Did you click them? Do you know how this bit is going to end? Of course the buttons don't work. They don't work, because CP is a shithole, and if you expect gold out of a shithole, then you're the asshole.

Do we even want to click the into the 'Forum' (we would link it, but we don't feel obligated to because if CP won't respect itself, why the hell should we?)? Shrug. We clicked it. Fuck, we feel dirty.

Fire on Ice? It's cute, we don't mind it. Click. Holy shit, their first post has 19,976 views? Christ. We want to kill ourselves now. We need to add to the army of Domebeer-aholic, not just for Domebeers, but for the general well being of Calgary Flames Fan. Anyways, let's see what the forums can give us in the name of news. Wow, an actual news story. Turns out the Oilers skim 80% of the donations to their charity by charging 'Admin fees'. Stay classy, Edmonton. In case you were interested, we are at 38% and Montreal wins at 17%. Good stuff CP. What else you got?

Fuck. After a good story like the one above they go and ruin it. CP still reads Eklund. Yeah, you know, the guy who has never been right about anything ever in the history of everything? That's the one! Eww...we clicked it.

Good news, guys. The Flames are trading for a top 5 draft pick, trading for Mighty Mouse St. Louis, and also trading for Nathan Horton. Isn't that awesome, crew? Nathan Horton's hot wife is coming to town!




Nice trade, GM Sutter, nice trade. Except that Eklund said it. Fuck. We've gone running and screaming from the room, to be honest. The thought of people still reading that goofball is just that haunting to us. CP, step your game up. How the hell did that site get 20,000 people to it? Fucked up world we live in. Vive la Domebeers, et al.
...

Guru died. Pour some liquor.

Furthermore, I think Peter Loubardias should be fired.

5 comments:

  1. reading calgary puck is medal-worthy....
    infact, i was at value village today (i was actually at two of them, but there's no need to boast) and saw some trophies that could probably be retrofitted to be presented to "the person who spends the most time on CP and manages to maintain use of proper spelling and grammar whilst refraining from jamming sharp objects into their eyes." you, unfortunately, rendered yourself ineligable after "righting" this:

    "CP still reads Eklund. Yeah, you know, the guy who has never been write about anything ever in the history of everything?"

    best.
    :)

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  2. Internet nerds putting people on blast for grammer is hurt'en as fuck! B/C NO ONE CARES. CP has some good dirt, but thats what u get when you wrestle with pigs! Big ups to little bulldog & his fag tag partner for finally getting the job done! Wear is the luv dome beers?

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  3. I think you mean 'where' is the love. Hypercritical blogger 1, retard 0.

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  4. that could not have ended any more awesomer. ;)

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