Friday, April 23, 2010

Roman Turek Profile In Courage Award


It's Friday, and that means one thing: The Stampeders continue to lose players and coaches.

Huh? What? Fine, you are right. How could we forget? It is also time for the (drumroll please) presentation of the Roman Turek Profile In Courage Award.

Really, this week wasn't as much of a downer as the last couple, but it still was no cup of sunshine. Unless your name is Tim Tebow, and you have pictures of Josh McDaniels actually fucking a bronco. By the way, my Steelers won the draft. Anyways, back to the nominees. We had the federales drag world controlling bank Goldman Sachs onto capital hill so they could kiss Caesars ring. What you need to know is that petty bureaucrats who don't know a derivative from an option, and could never get a job at Goldman Sachs, not even as a janitor, are claiming that Goldman screwed another sophisticated bank outta one billion dollars. So if you're keeping score at home, bankers are not allowed to make money, and they aren't allowed to lose money. Got it? Good. Now you know why we don't like communists running capitalist countries. Speaking of President Obama, Domebeers favourite, and noted Domebeers-aholic Rod Blagojevich is hitting the cat with a subpoena. You all remember Rod, right? He tried to sell Obama's senate seat, which in Chicago is called 'business as usual' and in the rest of the world is called... well, business as usual, unless your caught. And while we are on the topic of 'business as usual', the United States of America's military establishment is launching a secret robotic spaceship into, uhh, well, space. Why? Because it's going to be Tuesday soon. Well, they actually didn't give a reason, saying something about 'turn that fucking camera off before we punch you in your hippie face'. Love those uniforms. As always, a very difficult choice to make.

This weeks winner of the Roman Turek Profile In Courage Award: Mr. Cooper



Hi there, Domebeer-aholics. AZR here, and I would like to talk to you about the show 'Hangin' With Mr. Cooper'. No cute story about Coopers mom or dad (Aretha Franklin and Red Auerbach, respectively), no cute stories about Cooper overcoming some early drama (did you know that Mr. Cooper was once stuck on an island with Britney Spears, Lindsey Lohan, and a single crack rock? How the hell did you get outta that one, Coop?), no silly story about Mr. Cooper losing the Calgary Flames coaching job to one Greg Gilbert (who the fuck made that decision?), and no little story about Cooper and the Seaman boys (God bless, Doc) partying down at Cowboys during the 04 run.

No, I want to talk about the night when the assholes over at NBC (or ABC, or whatever fucking network was showing TGIF) decided to, in the middle of the last episode of Mr. Cooper ever, cut to news coverage of the car crash of Princess Diana. What-the-fuck-ever.

August 30, 1997 will be a date I remember forever, and not because some English Royal skank went out and got drunk and got dead. On that date, the final Hangin With Mr. Cooper was aired, and because some news executive thought I would rather watch a car crash than Holly Robinsons hotness (she is very hot), I didn't get to see it. Anyways, Mr. Cooper and Vanessa (Holly) were at a crossroads in their relationship. Coop wanted to hit it, and Vanessa wanted a commitment. Fuck, bro, we've all been there. How does it end? According to the wiki, situational comedy gold ensues when a hilarious situation goes wrong. Who cares, I didn't see it, and I'm fucking bitter about it. Fuck TV executives, and fuck their couch.

Anyways, Mr. Cooper, you win this weeks Roman Turek Profile In Courage Award. Why? Because he is the shit, that's why. Also, we should have hired him, as Gilbert was a cheesedick.
...

Uhh, Jeff Pilon retired. What the fuck, Huff? First you get rid of my favourite WR, and now your fucking with the line? Well, in all fairness to the best coach in this city, Pilon was hired by 'Grid Iron Blasting', owned by one Jamie Crysdale (Go Stamps), to, you know, do what he did to D-line men, which is to say, destroy things. Good on him, I guess, but if Hank is getting sacked, I know who to blame.



Also, if I am mentioning Huff, then I am mentioning 'The Speech'



Furthermore, I think Peter Loubardias should be fired.

3 comments:

  1. Jeff Garcia's wife should have won.

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