Friday, April 16, 2010

Roman Turek Profile In Courage Award


It's Friday, and that means one thing: The J, the I, the M, the M, the Y, the J, the I, the M, the M, the Y. Remember kids, wrap it up. Put holes in it, of course, but wrap it up.

What? Oh yeah, you are right, that too. It is indeed time to hand out this weeks Roman Turek Profile In Courage Award (The RTPIC!).

Crazy, crazy week. Hey Canada, your P.M. let a bribe taking coke head into cabinet! What fun those committee meetings must be. Mrs. Guergis is the chicks name, and if you think she knows how to party, then you haven't met her drunk driving, coke snorting, bribe taking, husband. Nice suit, asshole. Hard to imagine someone in that suit (click the fucking link) not being a drunk driving coke monkey. Speaking of awkward segue's, Iceland is fucking around with the world again. First, they borrow like 100 trillion dollars and lose it all during the banking crisis, essentially bankrupting their nation and screwing around with global finance. Now, on top of that, they go and let some volcano erupt and spew dirty dirt one million miles into the air, which killed airflights across the globe. Fuck off, Iceland. For reals. Hey, I got a segue that actually works for you Domebeer-aholics: Speaking of spewing, you hear about this cat who got liquored up and literally threw up all over an off duty cops daughter at a baseball game (that was a nice segue, Domebeers)? Well, you have heard about it now. Our faith in humanity is renewed when you read that after the fat drunk threw up on the little girl, the entire section he was sitting in apparently tried to kick his ass. Drunk dude, we know cops can be fuck heads, but leave the children out of it. Nice black eye though. Hard choice for the RTPIC.

This weeks winner of the Roman Turek Profile In Courage Award: Bullshit.



Bullshits parents are Lies and Obfuscation, and who knows how long ago those two hooked up. Whatever, they did, and Bullshit was the result. What makes Bullshit different from Lies and Obfuscation is, of course, that nobody, not even a bullshitter, expects you to buy in. Lies, and liars, work on the principle that they should be convincing, that you should buy in. Obfuscation works on the principle that you know a little, and can be thrown off the scent. Again, Obfuscation requires you to buy in. Bullshit is completely different, and works on a different principle. Bullshit works because you know that you are being lied to. Bullshit requires the audience to stay meek and not challenge it, even though they know they are being fed, well, bullshit.

An example? Well, in this city, we have just seen one of the biggest displays of bullshit outside of an Obama speech. The Flames held a press conference recently, where Bullshit was on display in its full, smelly, glory. Not lies, not obfuscation, but Bullshit. Hey Darryl, does your team suck ass? No, it is the best team in the league, guy. We have 23 20 goal scorers on it. Thanks for asking, asshole. Well, ok then, Darryl. If the team is so good, why didn't we make the playoffs? Idiot, it's because we didn't win enough games. Don't ask me stupid questions. Hey Darryl, did you trade Dion and Jokinen because you are a) Stupid? b) Retarded? c) Drunk? You ignorant motherfucker, I made those deals because of locker room issues, unless you ask me to elaborate, in which case we didn't have any issues, so stop bringing it up.

Darryl isn't a liar when he says that we have the most 20 goal scorers in this league, when he says our problem was we didn't win enough, when he says there were locker room issues. No, he is bullshitting. Nobody could be that fucking stupid. He just expects that nobody will press him and press him and press him. Which, as to be expected from the Calgary print media, they didn't. The press should have stayed on Darryl until Ken King had them removed by security, or Darryl was made well aware of the idiocy that just left his mouth. Laugh at the dumb hick when he says that shit, for christs sake. Arrogance hates humiliation.

Besides showing up at the press conference, Bullshit also showed up during the Flames green garbage bag day. Darryl let it known that they traded a guy they drafted 9th overall (Dion) and a guy they traded a first round draft pick for (Olli) because of 'locker room' issues. Not because they received an offer they couldn't refuse, not because they could improve the team if they made those deals, but because of 'locker room' issues. Something about 'wanting to be here'. Right, ok. So when the players were asked about it during green garbage bag day, what did they have to say? Nothing to see here people, keep moving. Hi, Bullshit! Burke went on the radio in Toronto and pointed the finger at Iggy and Reggie. Iggy and Reggie, got anything to say? Nope, no issues at all. We love Dion and Olli. Made them the kids godfathers. Bullshit!

For providing the administration and the players with something to shovel down the mouths of the press and the fans, Bullshit wins this weeks Roman Turek Profile In Courage Award.
...

Before we out, we gotta talk about one thing. The FAN960 (thanks for pimping Domebeers, by the way) is running a commercial about some comic book convention. You will understand this if you have heard it, and if you haven't, go fuck yourself. The advertisement has the following line:

Featuring Billy Dee Williams, also known as Lando Calrissian, and Malcolm McDowell.

That is the line that is pissing the shit outta us at Domebeers. You feel the need to explain to people who Billy Dee Williams is, but not who Malcolm McDowell is? Who the fuck is Malcolm McDowell? Everyone in the entire world knows that Billy Dee Williams is the cool ass cat who played space pimp Lando Calrissian. Malcolm McDowell? He is some ded, gloopy, bratchny. The lewdies are suppose to know who this koshka is? Bezoomy, simple bezoomy-ness. The veck who made that advert should get his gulliver out of his ass.

Should we let the people who don't get that joke in on it? You'd have to be pretty oomny to get it right out the box, or know which movie Malcolm McDowell was in. It pains us to do this, but we will let you in on it. Now you should be horror-show.

Furthermore, I think Peter Loubardias should be fired.

9 comments:

  1. That suit is pimped out Miami Vice fo' shizzle.

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  2. The other problem I have with that promo running on the FAN is that they pronounce Calrissian wrong.

    It's not Cal-ree-see-an. Cal-rih-see-en damnit. Breathe. I've tried to fix it, but no one listens to me around here.

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  3. Why am I not surprised that this type of detail would not escape Steinberg? Just hassli' ya Patty.

    Domebeers, is the fist paragraph some kind of homage to KRS-One from the late 80's BDP days? If so kudos to you my friend for that little stroll down memory lane.

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  4. I'm not ashamed to admit I'm a mild Star Wars nerd. And Lando is bad f'ing ass.

    Next we need a De La Soul drop in a Domebeers post.

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  5. Oodles of oodles of...

    Of course Domebeers is down with KRS-One. I was thinking of going with a p is free reference, but settled on jimmy hats.

    lolz, Im glad Im not the only one annoyed by that commercial.

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  6. Steinberg, you ever see that episode of scrubs that has Billy Dee as a guest star? The blck doctor (turk) keeps calling him "Lando". Truly awesome.

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  7. Star Wars is fucking gay

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  8. I have seen that Scrubs! Billy Dee is way too bad-ass, I'm thinking of going just to see if it's all a myth.

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  9. Hey Anonymous, want to know what's gay? taking the time to put a comment on a website without even trying to make it notable or clever. On second thought it isn't gay--it's retarded. Congratulations.

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