Friday, April 9, 2010
Roman Turek Profile In Courage Award
It's Friday, and that means one thing: Sweet, sweet, alcohol.
What? Damn, that's right. It's time for the presentation of the Roman Turek Profile In Courage Award (the RTPIC!).
Man. What a fucking week to cull nominations from. The Flames not making the playoffs was just a little turd in the gigantic shitstorm that was this week. The Catholic Pope, The Lords Vicar On Earth, continues to be evil. We don't want to come off as anti-Catholic, but people, really. The dude's covering for child rapists. Covering for child rapists is fucking evil. The Pope is evil. Don't be evil, Pope. Speaking of a loss in faith, the people of Krygystan (no, your not drunk, that word is really spelled Krygystan) decided that they didn't really like the government, and, elections being for pussies, decided to effect change, you know, with machine guns. That doesn't make you look like 1917 era Russia, Krygystan, not at all. Also, we had some glorious specimen of humanity try to go all Weekend at Bernie's with it and sneak a dead guy onto an airplane. You read that right, people. Ugh. Anyways, those are your nominees. Tough choice.
The winner of the Roman Turek Profile In Courage Award: Patrice O'Neal.
Patrice O'Neal. You funny motherfucker. Patrice had a mom, and he had a dad, and they were actually pretty normal people. They were not the people who jacked his head up. His mom was a dental assistant and his dad was this guy. Yeah, sweet afro. That guy was a good dad too. Always showed up to little league games and that shit.
Patrice was a fat goofy looking kid, and the kids at grade school ate his ass up. He didn't stand a chance, really. I mean, what, being a fat goofy kid like that? Look at that little fatty. What's the matter, fatty? Going to cry? Don't cry fatty. FAT!
Patrice fled inner city Chicago and travelled around the world delivering his woman approved comedy across the land. When he came into a sleepy little town called Calgary, his keen, worldly eye immediately spotted a place where he could help. He travelled down to the Saddledome, and witnessed the milquetoast boredom of the crowd. Like some sort of samurai master, he found Harvey the Hound and began teaching him the greatest maneuver in the arsenal of a mascot: The Pelvic Thrust.
For teaching an old dog new tricks, Patrice O'Neal wins this weeks RTPIC!
Furthermore, I think Peter Loubardias should be fired.