Monday, April 12, 2010

Best Heat Team Ever

Flames fans, you are an excitable bunch. So the GM goes out and commits a Mangino amount of cap space to a bunch of underachieving, no heart, soft dogs. Why all the panic? Why the freak out? Calm the fuck down.

Domebeers, your telling us to calm the fuck down? Have you seen this?

I mean, Domebeers, that is completely insane! There are 17 players on that little spreadsheet, 10 forwards, 6 d-men, 1 goalie, at 53.379 million, and we need to, at a minimum, sign 3 forwards, one more defenceman, and a backup goalie. This years cap, according to, was 56.8, so going with that, that leaves us with 3.421 million dollars in cap space wiggle room, assuming the cap stays the same. If the cap rises that helps, but if it falls, even by a couple of hundred thousand dollars, then we are even more hooped.

And Domebeers, have you seen the absolute crap that is on this team? You can show me all the numbers you want, Domebeers, but good teams don't lose 9 games in a row. Teams that have heart and hustle on them don't lose 9 games in a row. Teams that are made up of people collecting a paycheque do.

I don't know, Domebeers, calming the fuck down would seem an unlikely action for the fans in this city to be taking. Who the fuck is going to trade for Sarich, Staios, Langkow, Stajan, Hagman, Kotalik, or Moss? Who?

Geeze, you guys are uptight. Again, calm down. Inhale deeply, think about whales or some shit.

You ever heard of N. Murray Edwards? He is the main owner of the team, and he is worth over a billion and a half dollars. He aignt poor. Which is nice, because whether Darryl stays or goes, cap space will need to be found, and the easiest way to find it is by paying players to play for the Heat.

This type of move wouldn't be unprecedented for the Flames. We all remember Anders Eriksson. The amount of money we are talking about sending down is a little unprecedented in our franchises history, however. Who cares. This franchise has money. This franchise also has a 33 year old winger and a 34 year old goaltender. If this franchise wants to keep the Stanley Cup window open for the next one or two years, then this franchise does not have time to build through the draft. It needs to get better, quickly.

The quickest, easiest way to get better is through free agency. Free agents only cost money and cap space. Which is a problem, because as of today, the team doesn't have much cap space. Like we have been suggesting, this problem is easily solvable. You send the dead weight away via trades, if you can, and the only thing you take back are cheap, young players, or whatever draft pick you can get. Because most teams won't trade a 7th round pick for Sarich and the 7 million he is owed for the next 2 seasons, the only other solution, besides a Putin ordered jet crash, is to send him (and the other turds on this team) down to the Heat, where the contracts don't count against the cap.

The 3 most glaring candidates for a new Heat jersey are Sarich, Kotalik, Staios. That is 3.6, 3, and 2.7, which is  9.3 million dollars in additional cap space, poof. That 9.3 plus the 3.421 we have already is 12.721 in cap space. Now we are cooking.

Hey, if Backlund is staying, he has to play on the top 2 lines. Also, Darryl gave Stajan a long term contract. It looks like the Flames are now paying a 34 year old 4.5 million dollars to anchor the 3rd line. Uhh, fuck no. Langkow will hopefully retire, which would help the Flames out, but if he doesn't, he has to be traded for a draft pick (ie: no salary coming back). If this can't be done, then the Heat just got their new captain.

12.721 plus Langkows 4.5 is 17.221 million in cap space. It sucks for Murray Edwards, because he is then going to have to pay to restock the roster with some quality players, but hey, if you want to win in the next two years, then you gotta do it.

If we go the Heat road, we would then have the following roster:

Which is 8 forwards, 4 d-men and one goalie. You are going to go to war with 13 forwards, 7 d-men, and 2 goalies, so we are 9 players short of a roster, 5 forwards short, 3 d-men short, 1 goalie short. 9 players to sign, and with the new cap space, about 1.9134 million to spend on those 9 players, each, if we gave them all the same amount of money. Which, of course, we do not plan on doing. The question of how to allocate the money, a problem for the current GM, rears its ugly head.

We need 2 centres, if we keep the soft piece of shit Stajan as our number one and the wunderboy Backlund at number 2, propositions, you may be able to tell, that don't thrill us. We would have 6 wingers on the roster, so we would need 2 more, and then there is the one extra spot. 5 new forwards in total. We then would need 2 more d-men to play in the top 6, and then the extra body. Plus a backup goalie. Now that we have the shopping list...

17.221/3=5.74, or we can spend 5.74 on the forwards, on the d-men, and the backup. Obviously we are not spending 5.74 on the backup, so we have increased flexibility to spend on the other pressing needs. 500k may not be enough for a backup, but 2 million is probably too high to pay. The range to pay a backup probably is 1 - 1.5  million dollars. Let us choose the high range: 17.221 - 1.5 =  15.721 million left to spend.

What is next? How about the d-corps. 3 spots to fill, and most people will want one of those spots filled with one Ian White. That is probably 3.5 million dollars for an undersized defenceman. We are not a fan of that, we think he is too small, but the guy is a decent player, regardless of his height. Pricey, at 3.5, but decent. We are hesitant to sign the guy because we are trying to save money for the forwards, for one of Plekanec, Marleau (would you keep Darryl just for that connection?), or Kovalchuk. But you do need another NHLer on that D-line, Whites young, so for shits and giggles, let us say he is resigned. In the interest of saving money, you need to call up one or two of the d-men on the farm, let's say Pelech, and then sign another Aaron Johnson, that is, another cheap guy who can play some minutes. So that's 3.5 + 0.5 + 0.5 = 4.5. 15.721 - 4.5 = 11.221.

So, now the big gorilla in the room, the forwards. These guys fucking suck, but you don't need me to tell you that. Nobody pisses Domebeers off more than David Moss and his suck. 8 goals? 8 fucking goals? Way to kill the team, asshole. Glencross got 15, for christs sake, playing in only 3 more games. Dawes got 14, playing in 2 more. What we are trying to say is that we are not 40 goals away from being a contender, although 40 extra goals would be nice. We don't need Ilya to save the franchise, although, that would be fucking awesome. We have, theoretically, 11.221 left in cap to sign 5 players: 2 centres, and 3 wingers.

This is the hardest part of the allocation, because we do not know about Backlund. Is he going to be up with the big club, in an offensive role, the whole season, regardless of his performance? If he is, then you need a checking line centre and a 4th line one. If he is going to be sent down, then you need to sign a capable NHL centre to play on one of the two top lines. On top of this, you don't know who the GM is going to be.

11.221 for 5 players. We probably need at least one impact winger and one good centre, so 2 of the 5 will be making some money. 3 of the 5 we should try to go cheap on, as they will be playing on the 4th line. 2 kids from the farm would cost 1 million, if we go cheap and young. That leaves us with 2 centres and 1 winger to sign for 10.221 million. Ilya is probably out of the price range, Domebeers broken heart notwithstanding, so our next target would be Marleau or Plekanec. This would push Backlund into the number 3 centre spot, but because this team has no grinders or toughness on it, our 3rd line is a scoring line anyways, so this might not be the end of the world. What do those guys cost? Probably 6 million dollars. 10.221 - 6 = 4.221 left, with 2 players left to sign. That is plenty. One could resign Lombardi for 3 (pretty rich, yikes!) and still have a million left over for your enforcer. Again, that is 0.5 + 0.5 + 6 + 3 + 1 = 11. 11.221 - 11 = 0.221 in cap space left.

Suddenly, a team that was too old, too slow, too expensive is young, fast, and dynamic. Jarome would have some elite level talent to play with under this scenario, which would lead you to believe his numbers would improve. Iggy, Bourque, and unnamed 6 million dollar player would give the team 3 30 goal scorers on it. Hagman should be good for 20 - 25, and Dawes and Glencross 10 - 15, or they both could net 20 if they stay healthy, who knows. The team would suddenly have enough offence to compete, and it would be younger, and (one would hope) hungrier. Giving up Staios and Sarich doesn't really hurt your defence, because those two are too slow for the league anyways, and we really only have room for one too slow defenceman, and that would be Regehr. And Kipper even gets a 1.5 million dollar backup goalie in this scenario, so we don't give up 10 - 20 wins a year just because.

To conclude, the Flames are indeed in cap space purgatory as it stands. The situation needs to be fixed, because the team is not good enough as is. We do not have any superstars in the minors, so trading our way out of this mess seems unlikely. The easiest and most effective way to clean up the cap space mess and fix the roster is by sending the old and expensive players down to the Heat, where their contracts won't count against the cap. This would allow us the cap room needed to infuse the team with new, younger, and better talent. This would allow us to field a vastly improved team next season, and as our window to win is the Kipper window, we may only have 2 more season's worth of 'win now' time left. Barring a miracle trade, we see no other way to improve the team dramatically within that time period. If the owners truly want to win, they are going to have to spend the money, which they can do, because they are not poor.

Furthermore, I think Peter Loubardias should be fired.


  1. The unnamed 6M man wouldn't be Backstrom would it? Lots of luck.

    Furthermore I think Sheldon Souray can suck a giant fat cock.

  2. Ha! I like how one shoulder is trying to dictate terms.

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