But there are aspects of the fandom of the average pot head Vancouverite that can and must be called out immediately when noticed. Smoke as much hippie lettuce as you want, the concrete facts remain: You have some weird fetish involving the Calgary Flames, and no, we do not want to make out with you.
Case in point is this lovely article. Found in the incestuous echo chamber that is nucksmisconduct.com, I have a right mind to sue them for payment of the dry cleaning bill I will get when I take my soul in to get cleaned over at Rainbow Cleaners. We will be honest: It is a 1600 hundred word article about some whiny Canuck fans memories nobody but his mom could possible care about. We almost fell asleep reading it (war morning wood). However, we promised former Illinois Governor Blagojevich we would take a look at the piece, and we are such fans of the cat and his political chicanery, we gotta follow through.
So in that vein, we present to you a highly cropped, selectively edited version of Domebeers FJM. As always, the original is in italics (fancy!) while my response is normal.
Like a few Canucks fans out there, I am actively rooting for the Flames to miss the playoffs this year.
The unqualified cheese-dickery begins right away, eh? I know what your thinking: Cheering against us must be better than cheering for a team with Kyle Wellwood on it. But it does come off as 'girlfriend I dumped 5 years ago keeps calling my house and leaving strange messages on my answering machine', does it not?
In all honesty the Flames' management deserves to be punished for some of its shockingly poor decisions, including:
... I know, your wet with anticipation. I know I am after hearing about how Darryl has been such a bad, naughty little girl this year and just needs to punished. With a leather whip, preferably.
Signing noted 3-goal scorer Jay Bouwmeester for $6.7/year over five season
Wow. You might as well go out and get one of those 'I'm With Stupid' T Shirts with an arrow pointing up, because that is one of the stupidest things I have read in quite a while. Did you know Darryl had a time machine, used it to go forward in time, saw J Blow scoring 3 goals this year, and went 'Hey, let us sign that noted 3 goal scorer to a 34 million dollar contract'? Because I had always imagined that the decision making process went a little something like this:
05-06: 82 GP, 5 G, 41 A, 46 Points. Average Time On Ice (ATOI): 25:29
06-07: 82 GP, 12 G, 30 A, 42 Points. ATOI: 26:08
07-08: 82 GP, 15 G, 22 A, 37 Points. ATOI: 27:28
08-09: 82 GP, 15 G, 27 A, 46 Points. ATOI: 27:00
I mean, what a fucking schmuck Darryl is for signing that guy, who is 26 years old, to a 34 million dollar, 5 year contract. I mean, fuck that shit right? Wasting money on a 26 year old defenceman when we could have given a 30 year old prima donna goalie 64 million dollars over 12 years. Darryl's a fucking idiot.
Trading for one-quarter of the Toronto Maple Leafs 2009-10 opening night roster
4/23= 0.17391304347826086956521739130435. 1/4= 0.25. So nice math you got working there, asshat. I mean, if you wanted a line, 4/20=0.20.You could have said one fifth of the opening night roster. I'm sure you were just too high to notice. Also, I'm sure you learned your math in one of those world class Vancouver schools.
Trading away (almost) 25-year old blue-chip defenseman Dion Phaneuf in a knee-jerk attempt to acquire some scoring
Huh? Isn't that pretty much the point he made above? Also, the qualification of Dion's age is pretty priceless. I mean, what, he won't talk to you if you get it wrong? Your last point, you got the math wrong, yet you are so concerned with Dion's age being accurate. You Canuck fans are nutty, boy I tell ya.
Hey, I know what would be fun! Let's forget the names of the players involved and look at this trade as it was when it happened (IE: 55 games into the season)
Ugly Islander: 10 Goals, 12 Assists, 22 Points. 6.5 million dollar cap hit. Defenceman.
Ontario Kid: 16 Goals, 25 Assists, 41 Points. 1.750 million dollar cap hit. Forward.
Finnish Guy: 20 Goals, 13 Assists, 33 Points. 3 million dollar cap hit. Forward.
Dude From Manitoba: 9 Goals, 17 Assists, 26 Points. 0.850 million dollar cap hit. Defenceman.
T.O.'s Very Own: 2 Goals, 6 Assists, 8 Points. 1.333 million dollar cap hit. Forward.
So, we traded 22 points that cost 6.5 million dollars for 99 points that cost 6.933 million dollars. Yeah, we lost that trade, alright. You know what would be even more fun? Looking at the numbers since the trade went down.
Dion: 21 GP, 0 (fucking zilch) Goals, 7 Assists. -3.
Stajan: 21 GP, 3 Goals, 10 Assists. Even.
Hagman: 21 GP, 3 Goals, 6 Assists. +2.
White: 21 GP, 2 Goals, 7 Assists, +9 (yeah, plus fucking 9, Dion).
Mayers: 21 GP, 1 Goal, 5 Assists. +2.
So, that's 7 points, no goals, and a minus 3 for 37 points, 9 goals, and a plus 13. Fucking christ, Mayers is a point behind Dion's production. I mean, looking at those numbers, Darryl's a fucking retard for trading Dion, or maybe not so much. I'm glad you bothered to look at the numbers though, hippie Canuck fan. You can really tell you did your research.
Trading for Olli Jokinen last season.
You didn't look this one up, either. When that mentally deficient Darryl Sutter traded for Joker last year, all that dog did was score 8 goals and tally 7 assists (15 points) in 19 games. Last season, Joker was a fine pickup. If only you had ended your sentence at Jokinen instead of feeling the need to qualify it. Because, as you see, when you add that 'last season' qualification, all I am going to do is look at 'last season'. And 'last season' Joker was fine. But I get it, Darryl is a retard because he lacks the ability to see into the future.
Bumping against the cap last season to the point where the team had to dress only 16 skaters due to injuries
I will admit, I am not sure on the grammar rules of bullet points. With that said, would adding a period at the end of your sentences fucking kill you?
Failing to surround Jarome Iginla, one of the best power forwards in the game, with any sort of offensive talent
When you read this, did you start jumping up and down screaming 'Tony Amonte' like I did? How about we look at a couple of those non-offensive hacks that dunce cap wearing Darryl Sutter brought in:
EDITORS NOTE: We know Bourque isn't on that list. It would look even worse if we added Bourque, and we must be careful with the feelings of others, after all.
Until acquiring Vesa Toskola, who has been solid for the Flames since they picked him up, failing to acquire an adequate backup for Mikka Kiprusoff, forcing him to play far too many games (76 starts in each of the past two seasons!)
First off, goalies aren't people, so you don't have to feel sorry for them. I know you Emo's out in Vancouver are all touchy feely like that, but please, Kipper is a big boy and doesn't need your sympathy. Remember when the cat won the Vezina trophy? 05-06 was the year. How many games did homie play? 74? He played 74 games that year? Wow, it looks like your complaint is based on bullshit, idiot Vancouver fan. Again, good to see you did your research.
Hey, quick question. How many Vezinas does Loungo have? I bet he has more than Kipper. Just like I bet that the Canucks have more Stanley Cups than the Flames do. Canucks are tots awesome, yo.
And honestly, I hate to harp on it, but you don't end a sentence with a bracket unless you add a motherfucking period to the end of that sentence. I mean, for fuck sakes dude. Go to school and stop getting high.
Well, my word. I could have sworn that was the point of the post. It must be me, and not the author of the article who got it wrong. You know what? I was about to kill myself if I had to keep reading this drivel. For reals bro, thanks for stopping.
Hey, the period made an appearance!
Because, despite all the karmic justifications for rooting against Calgary, the real reason for my anti-fandom is that AS A VANCOUVER CANUCKS FAN I AM OBLIGATED TO HATE THE CALGARY FLAMES.
You know the point of living, if your into that Buddhist ish, is to not accumulate karma? No, it's true. If you have karma, good or bad, you are trapped in the life death resurrection cycle, and the whole point of existence is to get out of that cycle and into Nirvana. What? We are talking hockey?
It's cute, isn't it? Hey, stoner, let me let you in on a little fact you seem to have missed. Flames fans don't hate Canuck fans. No, hockey fans hate Canuck fans. We just happen to be the closest city to you, so you see it out of us the most. Trust me, if you went down to Atlanta, their fans would make fun of your loser franchise too! Having to watch Markus Naslund and Todd Bertuzzi making out with each other on the bench for a couple of years will turn you against a franchise, it's funny that way. And y'all remember 04, when those Vince Carter fans of the Canucks had a temper tantrum and actually threw a sweater on the ice to trip one of our players up? I'm sorry I am the one who has to break this to Canuck fans, but you are fucking scum. Hey, Mr. Wilson agrees! I must be right!
Sorry folks, the article goes on, and on, and on, and on, and on, but I do not want to kill myself, so I'll stop, for health reasons. Trust me, you saw the best parts. I just hope the former Governor of Illinois appreciates the effort, because it is not easy wadding into the pools of dementia that is the thought produced by Vancouver fans.
Big ass game tonight. The Jets seemed to take last night's game off, so who knows. Good luck to the boys, as we have embraced optimism here at Domebeers.
Furthermore, I think Peter Loubardias should be fired.