Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Why Are We Even Wasting Our Time With This?

The title, of course, refers to the organization that celebrates losing, mediocrity, and wasted promise like nobodies business, the Vancouver Canucks. Nobody has a fan base as stupid, and nobody has a fan base as annoying, as the Canucks. Some of that can't be helped. Most of them are from Vancouver, a city that has ceded authority over its downtown to crack addicts and prostitutes and calls it 'progress'. There is something in the water, or the education system, over there, and they really can't be faulted for their idiocy. They simply don't know any better. We can still point and laugh at the loser hippies, though, because we do know better. We are the ones living in Alberta, after all.

But there are aspects of the fandom of the average pot head Vancouverite that can and must be called out immediately when noticed. Smoke as much hippie lettuce as you want, the concrete facts remain: You have some weird fetish involving the Calgary Flames, and no, we do not want to make out with you.

Case in point is this lovely article. Found in the incestuous echo chamber that is, I have a right mind to sue them for payment of the dry cleaning bill I will get when I take my soul in to get cleaned over at Rainbow Cleaners. We will be honest: It is a 1600 hundred word article about some whiny Canuck fans memories nobody but his mom could possible care about. We almost fell asleep reading it (war morning wood). However, we promised former Illinois Governor Blagojevich we would take a look at the piece, and we are such fans of the cat and his political chicanery, we gotta follow through.

So in that vein, we present to you a highly cropped, selectively edited version of Domebeers FJM. As always, the original is in italics (fancy!) while my response is normal.

Like a few Canucks fans out there, I am actively rooting for the Flames to miss the playoffs this year. 

The unqualified cheese-dickery begins right away, eh? I know what your thinking: Cheering against us must be better than cheering for a team with Kyle Wellwood on it. But it does come off as 'girlfriend I dumped 5 years ago keeps calling my house and leaving strange messages on my answering machine', does it not?

In all honesty the Flames' management deserves to be punished for some of its shockingly poor decisions, including:

... I know, your wet with anticipation. I know I am after hearing about how Darryl has been such a bad, naughty little girl this year and just needs to punished. With a leather whip, preferably.   

Signing noted 3-goal scorer Jay Bouwmeester for $6.7/year over five season   

Wow. You might as well go out and get one of those 'I'm With Stupid' T Shirts with an arrow pointing up, because that is one of the stupidest things I have read in quite a while. Did you know Darryl had a time machine, used it to go forward in time, saw J Blow scoring 3 goals this year, and went 'Hey, let us sign that noted 3 goal scorer to a 34 million dollar contract'? Because I had always imagined that the decision making process went a little something like this:

05-06: 82 GP, 5 G, 41 A, 46 Points. Average Time On Ice (ATOI): 25:29
06-07: 82 GP, 12 G, 30 A, 42 Points. ATOI: 26:08
07-08: 82 GP, 15 G, 22 A, 37 Points. ATOI: 27:28
08-09: 82 GP, 15 G, 27 A, 46 Points. ATOI: 27:00

I mean, what a fucking schmuck Darryl is for signing that guy, who is 26 years old, to a 34 million dollar, 5 year contract. I mean, fuck that shit right? Wasting money on a 26 year old defenceman when we could have given a 30 year old prima donna goalie 64 million dollars over 12 years. Darryl's a fucking idiot.

Trading for one-quarter of the Toronto Maple Leafs 2009-10 opening night roster 

4/23= 0.17391304347826086956521739130435. 1/4= 0.25. So nice math you got working there, asshat. I mean, if you wanted a line, 4/20=0.20.You could have said one fifth of the opening night roster. I'm sure you were just too high to notice. Also, I'm sure you learned your math in one of those world class Vancouver schools.

 Trading away (almost) 25-year old blue-chip defenseman Dion Phaneuf in a knee-jerk attempt to acquire some scoring  

Huh? Isn't that pretty much the point he made above? Also, the qualification of Dion's age is pretty priceless. I mean, what, he won't talk to you if you get it wrong? Your last point, you got the math wrong, yet you are so concerned with Dion's age being accurate. You Canuck fans are nutty, boy I tell ya.

Hey, I know what would be fun! Let's forget the names of the players involved and look at this trade as it was when it happened (IE: 55 games into the season)

Ugly Islander: 10 Goals, 12 Assists, 22 Points. 6.5 million dollar cap hit. Defenceman.
Ontario Kid: 16 Goals, 25 Assists, 41 Points. 1.750 million dollar cap hit. Forward.
Finnish Guy: 20 Goals, 13 Assists, 33 Points. 3 million dollar cap hit. Forward.
Dude From Manitoba: 9 Goals, 17 Assists, 26 Points. 0.850 million dollar cap hit. Defenceman.
T.O.'s Very Own: 2 Goals, 6 Assists, 8 Points. 1.333 million dollar cap hit. Forward.

So, we traded 22 points that cost 6.5 million dollars for 99 points that cost 6.933 million dollars. Yeah, we lost that trade, alright. You know what would be even more fun? Looking at the numbers since the trade went down.

Dion: 21 GP, 0 (fucking zilch) Goals, 7 Assists. -3.
Stajan: 21 GP, 3 Goals, 10 Assists. Even.
Hagman: 21 GP, 3 Goals, 6 Assists. +2.
White: 21 GP, 2 Goals, 7 Assists, +9 (yeah, plus fucking 9, Dion).
Mayers: 21 GP, 1 Goal, 5 Assists. +2.

So, that's 7 points, no goals, and a minus 3 for 37 points, 9 goals, and a plus 13. Fucking christ, Mayers is a point behind Dion's production. I mean, looking at those numbers, Darryl's a fucking retard for trading Dion, or maybe not so much. I'm glad you bothered to look at the numbers though, hippie Canuck fan. You can really tell you did your research.

Trading for Olli Jokinen last season.

You didn't look this one up, either. When that mentally deficient Darryl Sutter traded for Joker last year, all that dog did was score 8 goals and tally 7 assists (15 points) in 19 games. Last season, Joker was a fine pickup. If only you had ended your sentence at Jokinen instead of feeling the need to qualify it. Because, as you see, when you add that 'last season' qualification, all I am going to do is look at 'last season'. And 'last season' Joker was fine. But I get it, Darryl is a retard because he lacks the ability to see into the future.

Bumping against the cap last season to the point where the team had to dress only 16 skaters due to injuries  

I will admit, I am not sure on the grammar rules of bullet points. With that said, would adding a period at the end of your sentences fucking kill you?

Failing to surround Jarome Iginla, one of the best power forwards in the game, with any sort of offensive talent

When you read this, did you start jumping up and down screaming 'Tony Amonte' like I did? How about we look at a couple of those non-offensive hacks that dunce cap wearing Darryl Sutter brought in:

Absolutely no offensive talent in that bunch, for sure. Stop bogarting the bong and pass it to the left, dude.

EDITORS NOTE: We know Bourque isn't on that list. It would look even worse if we added Bourque, and we must be careful with the feelings of others, after all.

Until acquiring Vesa Toskola, who has been solid for the Flames since they picked him up, failing to acquire an adequate backup for Mikka Kiprusoff, forcing him to play far too many games (76 starts in each of the past two seasons!)

First off, goalies aren't people, so you don't have to feel sorry for them. I know you Emo's out in Vancouver are all touchy feely like that, but please, Kipper is a big boy and doesn't need your sympathy. Remember when the cat won the Vezina trophy? 05-06 was the year. How many games did homie play? 74? He played 74 games that year? Wow, it looks like your complaint is based on bullshit, idiot Vancouver fan. Again, good to see you did your research.

Hey, quick question. How many Vezinas does Loungo have? I bet he has more than Kipper. Just like I bet that the Canucks have more Stanley Cups than the Flames do. Canucks are tots awesome, yo.

And honestly, I hate to harp on it, but you don't end a sentence with a bracket unless you add a motherfucking period to the end of that sentence. I mean, for fuck sakes dude. Go to school and stop getting high.
    Okay, I could go on-and believe me I am enjoying this a great deal-but the Flames' managerial incompetence is not the point of this post. 

    Well, my word. I could have sworn that was the point of the post. It must be me, and not the author of the article who got it wrong. You know what? I was about to kill myself if I had to keep reading this drivel. For reals bro, thanks for stopping.

    Hey, the period made an appearance!

    Because, despite all the karmic justifications for rooting against Calgary, the real reason for my anti-fandom is that AS A VANCOUVER CANUCKS FAN I AM OBLIGATED TO HATE THE CALGARY FLAMES.

    You know the point of living, if your into that Buddhist ish, is to not accumulate karma? No, it's true. If you have karma, good or bad, you are trapped in the life death resurrection cycle, and the whole point of existence is to get out of that cycle and into Nirvana. What? We are talking hockey?

    It's cute, isn't it? Hey, stoner, let me let you in on a little fact you seem to have missed. Flames fans don't hate Canuck fans. No, hockey fans hate Canuck fans. We just happen to be the closest city to you, so you see it out of us the most. Trust me, if you went down to Atlanta, their fans would make fun of your loser franchise too! Having to watch Markus Naslund and Todd Bertuzzi making out with each other on the bench for a couple of years will turn you against a franchise, it's funny that way. And y'all remember 04, when those Vince Carter fans of the Canucks had a temper tantrum and actually threw a sweater on the ice to trip one of our players up? I'm sorry I am the one who has to break this to Canuck fans, but you are fucking scum. Hey, Mr. Wilson agrees! I must be right!

    Sorry folks, the article goes on, and on, and on, and on, and on, but I do not want to kill myself, so I'll stop, for health reasons. Trust me, you saw the best parts. I just hope the former Governor of Illinois appreciates the effort, because it is not easy wadding into the pools of dementia that is the thought produced by Vancouver fans.

    Big ass game tonight. The Jets seemed to take last night's game off, so who knows. Good luck to the boys, as we have embraced optimism here at Domebeers.

    Furthermore, I think Peter Loubardias should be fired.


    1. Don't forget to include Toskala in your calculations on trading for Toronto's starting line up. It's still 0.217, though.

    2. "But I get it, Darryl is a retard because he lacks the ability to see into the future. "

      Part of being a good GM is the ability to think into the future. Sending a great young talent and a first rounder for a long time NHLer who had 0 playoff experience was risky if not down right stupid. I think it is fair to judge GM's on how their moves affect the future of the club, and Darryl has been shit at doing that, see:the Flames farm system.

    3. Just to point out, most of the people who diss calgary have actually been there rather than seeing a 4 year documentary on ONE TINY neighbourhood and judging the whole area on it. What if everyone on the post you're attempting to vilify based it's calgary assumptions on Riverside, or whatever you call that weak attempt to copy the Vancouver Cambie from Oak to Granville corridor (thats right ...cambie... it's not even Robson they're trying to copy...) . We would accuse all carlgarians as being:

      1: Pretentious wannabe's who think a renamed red robin is fine dining cuz it costs 40% more.
      2: Drive Priuses and other Hybrid cars.
      3: Wear cowboy hats and look REAAAALLLLY stupid in them.

      Well, 3 is actually true. But the others are obviously incorrect; I know this. First off, most calgarians would never think Red Robin is fine dining...they don't go to any place that has a name not followed by "steakhouse", "saloon" or "and outlaw grill" (whatever the hell that means). Also, in order to be pretentious you have to believe that certain facets of intelligencia are cool and yet not have the capabilities to do them naturally. This obviously very aptly describes Kitsilano in Vancouver, but not Calgary. Since most Calgarians think any word with more than three syllables comes from the "University crew" (note...5 syllables there, hence the natural fear of the word...), they're genetically predisposed to the second but violently unaware of the first. Yes, I know, most of you have opened to decipher that last sentence.

      It's apparent to everyone you've never been to, read about or have a clue about vancouver, but in the end, these little tirades back in forth or purportedly all about fun, right? Oh, and please note that since it obviously confuses you, I didn't use bullet points and did use periods. You're welcome for me stooping to your level...I always say "write to the lowest common denominator".

    4. Sounds like you came close to killing yourself a few different times while composing your little Pulitzer candidate.

      It's a shame you were to lazy to take the next step.

    5. I like how Van. is always trying to copy CGY. 1st we get the Olympics, then they do. We get a sweet goalie, then they just bite. We elected a drunk for premier, well you get it.

    6. Wow Reformed Albertan, you sound like you got your feelings hurt... No wonder why you like it better in B.C, where people have these "feelings"

    7. Excellent article. I hope everyone in Vancouver goes and plays hide and go fuck themselves. I look for to when that green peace loving, hippie filled, socialist shit hole gets washed away with the inevitable earth quake, and resulting tsunami to follow. Ill sit there drinking a beer watching CNN laughing knowing it is god cleansing the earth. My favorite is how the dirty hippie above talks of us driving hybrids. WRONG FUCKER put down the bong. We hate hybrids and drive pick ups. We also never claim to be the most European city in Canada and smell our farts.

      I already cant wait for Vancouver to get eliminated by Detroit and we all get to watch, and laugh, when we see another one of these

      Hopefully Calgary lasts long enough to take them out and we get to see Iggy lick those tears off and talk about how sweet they are. Note to you LUUUUUUUUUUUUUU, when you cry when you win your emotional and full of heart (i.e. Messier) when you cry when you lose your a whiny emo little bitch cock sucker who fails down the stretch always and plays like shit for stupid excuses like your first child is born; shouldn't that elevate your play...

      Its just a bunch of little girls in that dressing room in a contest to see how many dicks they can fit in their mouths at one time. (for the record Wellwood and Raymond are tied at 9).

    8. Brent G, that is the greatest comment ever.

    9. Thank you anonymous, I enjoy this site because I can truly speak my mind with complete freedom...

      Fuck, Piss, Cunt!

      You have a wicked site Dome

    10. Hahahahahah the Flames are so fucked. Enjoy missing the playoffs...probably for a while seeing as your team is shit and you have no prospects or picks....soon even the Oilers and Leafs will be better than you.