Friday, March 5, 2010

Roman Turek Profile In Courage Award


It's Friday, and that means one thing: it's socially acceptable to get shit your pants drunk and throw up on a stranger!

Huh? Oh yeah, that's right. It's also time for the Roman Turek Profile In Courage Award (The RTPIC)!

It was a hard decision this week, let me tell you. Sunday, the mens hockey team almost shit the bed in front of the world. Sid the kid scored the winning OT goal, but we all know it was one Mr. Iginla who did all the fucking work. Iggy in a puck battle in the corner, that was a sight for sore eyes, eh? Sid the kid is a fucking free loader, stealing all of the Captains credit. We also had...gee, not a lot. Sutter tried to self murder the franchise on trade deadline day, so that was nice. Canada won a lot of gold medals. Even more hilarious, the Soviet Union did not, and Putin almost had a stroke. Good times. In light of all the worthy candidates, and by that I mean the one, picking this weeks winner of the RTPIC was easy.

This weeks winner of the Roman Turek Profile In Courage Award: Samurai Pizza Cats



Samurai Pizza Cats began life, oddly enough, in Quito, Ecuador. The Cats were part of a litter of 1543 kittens, who's mother was a tabby cat, and who's father was David Wells (what a retard). David Wells got stoned one night and ran out of Fritos, so the fat bastard began, much like Cronus, to devour his children. The Pizza Cats managed to escape by hiding in one of Wells belly folds. When Wells went to sleep following his macabre feast, the Cats fled the house. They managed to stowaway on a Japanese whaling boat.

The Pizza Cats were discovered by the crew, but made themselves useful, so they were not treated as shark bait. Hunting mice and cleaning the dishes, the Cats were able to contribute to the boat. In fact, they did such a good job that the crew decided to mutiny against their current captain, and name the Cats Shogun in his stead. The Cats made port in Tokyo, and immediately spent all their money on geisha girls. The Cats, now broke, found work at a pizza shop.

During their days at the pizza shop, the Cats took up crime fighting. One of the villains they came across during the 03/04 season happened to be Chris Simon. Poor Cats, they got their little kitten asses absolutely kicked. One of the Cats lost the ability to speak without slurring, the beat down was so magnificently complete. Forced with the realization that the King Lizard himself wouldn't be able to save Tokyo from Chris Simon, the Cats made a deal with the devil. They called up Darryl Sutter, who they had played hockey with in junior, before they had a falling out over Sutters refusal to eat pizza. In exchange for some Noodles, Sutter promised to save Tokyo and ship Chris Simon to Calgary. Simon would later destroy Rathje's face. It was pretty epic.

For saving Tokyo, and for providing the toughness for the 03/04 cup run, the Samurai Pizza Cats win this weeks Roman Turek Profile In Courage Award.
...
So, we got all the new guys in the city now, which sucks, because that means Staios is here. Honestly, Rhett still lives in town. If they wanted a guy who was broken, too old, too slow, and just not NHL quality to play on our d-corp, they could have at least asked Rhett first. Loyalty, and all that.

Furthermore, I think Peter Loubardias should be fired.

4 comments:

  1. i think you meant that Iggy WINNING a puck battle in the corner was the real sight for sore eyes.

    also, "Sutter tried to self murder the franchise on trade deadline day, so that was nice," probably best describes the situation, so thanks for that too.

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  2. Get off Darryl! He's Trying!

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  3. ... seriously ?

    that's the argument to lay off sutter ? he's TRYING ??!??

    i'm sure sather tries really effin' hard too but i don't want him running my goddamned team.

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  4. He;s trying to trade for Steve Staios? If it was a momentary lapse of reason perhaps I could buy it but to intentionally to that supposedly for the betterment of the team is a tragedy.

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