Ladies and gentlemen, for your viewing pleasure, I submit that one Peter Loubardias be brought to the guillotine.
Now, it pains us here at Domebeers to say this, as Peter has been so generous with his time when it comes to speaking with us, but he really has dropped the ball during his time with the Flames. While he does sport a healthy 82-57-15 record since joining the big club, these numbers don't tell the whole story. Under Loubardias, the goals against has ballooned, the commitment to defence hasn't been there, the desire to win puck battles has waned. In short, under his tenor, Vince Carterness has flourished on the team, and he has done nothing to attempt to check it's venomous influence. Unacceptable.
Off ice, Loubardias has been embroiled in a variety of issues. Whether it be recommending restaurants to the enemy, refereeing locker room fights, or helping cover Tigers tracks, Loubardias can't seem to stay away from trouble. While he might not be the cause of the negativity, he certainly seems to be in the wrong place at the wrong time quite a bit. It looks bad on the organization.
Now, even putting these serious issues aside, which is admittedly quite difficult, Loubardias should still be fired for his performance as the Play by Play man for the Calgary Flames. In all honesty, Charlie Simmer, who has the best hair on television, should also be fired. But we aren't talking about Simmer today, we are talking Peter 'SKEEEYORES' Loubardias, and the level of suck he brings to the table that has not been seen since Jenna Jameson retired.
Peter Loubardias is not a good play by play man. Anyone who has seen a Flames game on TV knows this. But 'Loubardias sucks' is, understandably, not going to get him fired. More meat needs to be added to that bone, and we are happy to provide it. Loubardias sucks for several concrete reasons:
1: Tone of voice
Loubardias has a whiney voice, and that is because he never learned how to speak properly. I am serious. Any vocal coach will tell you that a nasal voice is a) fucking terrible to listen too and b) eminently fixable. Loubardias must think his vocal style is cute when it is in fact nails on chalkboard awful, and nobody at Rogers seems to be willing to say something to him. It doesn't help that he copies Foster Hewitt's style, which produces a lot of whiney, high nasal 'SKYEEEORES' calls. God I hate that shit.
2: Weird Calls
I bet I could spend an entire day on this, and if we got on the radio and opened up the phone lines, it would take all week. Loubardias has some weird fucking calls. The collective that is Domebeers has its favourites: 'He shoots, he misses' to the tone of 'He shoots, he SKYEEEORES' being at the top of the list. But there are more, oh yes, there are more. Just in this last week we have been treated to the gem of 'A large collision of human bodies' to describe a routine body check. I mean, seriously, what the fuck, Peter? Who talks like that? We already know his peers don't listen to his telecasts when they don't have too, and I can see why. What makes Loubardias and his passion for weird calls so annoying is that he has a hall of famer in Peter Maher to emulate, and seemingly chooses not too, which is, well, fucking weird.
3: He is Boring
Not really sure how I can quantify boredom. This is one of those points that you will have to trust me on, and trust me, Loubardias is boring. It certainly doesn't help that the Flames play lackluster and boring hockey, but that doesn't stop Peter Maher from making every game sound like an exciting must see on the radio. He comes off as laid back and even keel, and while these may be great attributes to have out in the real world, when speaking to an audience through a television, it only adds to the boredom that is a Calgary Flames hockey game. The fact that he doesn't seem to be able to identify moments of boredom and dress them up with a story or funny quip speaks to his level of talent as a play by play man in my (and Domebeers) opinion.
4: Junior Guy Who Shares No Junior Stories
Loubardias is what he is, and that is a junior hockey play by play man who does Flames game as a favour to Sportsnet. I would be more inclined to accept that state of affairs if Loubardias brought to the Flames telecast the knowledge he has of the junior game. Why don't I hear about what junior team this player played on, and who he played with on it, and what they did, and how they came to their pro hockey teams? Why don't I hear stories about Flames prospects, and how they are doing, and if they are progressing like they should? Loubardias would know, if anybody would, as he loves junior hockey the same way I love tits and beer, but I hear none of that stuff during a broadcast. Why he doesn't showcase his best asset is way beyond me.
5: Isn't a Homer
Domebeers loves homers. I mean, it is that simple. The best play by play guy in baseball is Hawk Harrelson (and full disclosure, I am a Cubs fan, so that isn't easy to write) because he loves the White Sox so much. People complain about him, but that is because they don't want to pay for their teams sports station, and have to listen on the White Sox feed. It is a baseless complaint. I could never understand the people in this city and their complaint over Roger Millions homerism. Well, fuck yeah he is a homer, the dudes Calgarian! I am watching a Flames broadcast right? I want a play by play guy who cheers for the team he is calling. If that pisses off the Edmontonians watching, then good. Fuck em if they can't take a joke. The only times Loubardias has shown flashes of being a good broadcaster is when he gets catty at the refs and takes the Flames back, which doesn't happen nearly often enough, but when it does, it is endearing, and it looks good on him. At least Roger liked the team he was broadcasting.
6: Called Oiler Games
We got Loubardias because they tried to put him on the Oiler games as a play by play guy and the producers at Sportsnet are Oiler fans, and when they saw the performance Loubardias was giving, they decided they would fuck with the Flames and their fans and stick him on our broadcast. Let me repeat: The guy couldn't stick with the Oilers broadcast, and we have had him on ours for almost 2 years now.
7: He Looks Like The Crypt Keeper
Until the next time boils and ghouls pleasant screams
What can be done?
Well, Click This Link. It directs you to Sportsnet's handy comment form. Fill it out and tell them that you want changes in the booth. Be polite, we want them to read these after all. It isn't what you say that is so important, but the amount of times you say it. If we can flood Sportsnet with emails, this will effect change. One written letter is worth 1000 emails, so if you have the time, write a letter and send them some snail mail. Again, be polite, but firm when you request they fire Loubardias. I simply wrote that I would like to see changes with the booth, I would like to see someone Flames related on the broadcast, and I think Peter Loubardias should be replaced. No swearing, which was hard. I also directed them to this post, as Domebeers cannot miss an opportunity to pimp.
Furthermore, I think Peter Loubardias should be fired.