Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Charlie Simmers Hair & Lanny McDonalds Mustache Debate: Flat Tax

The Ish: Flat Tax vs Progressive Tax
The Beef: Which system is better, better being defined as which system can generate the most revenues, compliance, ect. Also, as a bone to the communists out there, which system is the most 'fair'.
Flat Tax Champion: Lanny McDonalds Mustache.
Progressive Tax Champion: Charlie Simmers Hair.

Quick Backround: Flat tax is one tax rate for everyone, applied to income. Progressive tax is one where there is a multitude of rates, usually based on what one earns, or other variables. Canada currently operates under a progressive tax regime.
Charlie Simmers Hair: Well, it's really quite simple. Some people dont make a lot of money, so to tax them at the same rate as people who make millions isn't right. People who have the most money in society are able to afford higher taxes, so they should pay them.

Lanny McDonalds Mustache: That's really stupid, Red. You invite me to debate you on economic policy and you throw out this trope? My times fucking valuable, man. Have you not heard the commercial? 'Tell em Lanny sent you" doesn't ring a bell? Shit, son, I work for a living.

Charlie Simmers Hair: The rich people in our society are also able to afford to bribe the politicians, and influence legislation. This, if unchecked, would allow the moneyed and the privileged to set up a de facto caste system. To check that influence, progressive tax rates take money from the rich and allocates it to the poor.

Lanny McDonalds Mustache: You were a hippie when you were a child, weren't you? You look for 'The Man' underneath your bed before you go sleep, don't you?

Charlie Simmers Hair: The wealthy people in any country also have the most to gain by seeing that country continue to function in a stable manner. Security apparatuses, like the military, benefit the rich the most, because the military offers protection for the wealthies investments.

Lanny McDonalds Mustache: Listen, Hair, that last statement was so imbecilic I'm amazed you manage to comb yourself in the morning. Do you know who invented your little 'steal-from-the-rich-so-I-dont-have-to-work-hard' tax scheme? Robespierre, and the Jacobins. You know, the people who were killing anybody who owned property back in 1793. The same people who started French Revolutionary Wars. You are an idiot, Hair.

Charlie Simmers Hair: There you go again, Mustache, bringing history into a debate where it has no reason to be.

Lanny McDonalds Mustache: ...I dont even know how to respond to such an idiotic statement. Do the gene pool a favour and just kill yourself, Hair.

Charlie Simmers Hair: Progressive taxes also allows the government to level the playing field by ensuring that the rich have less money then they should and the poor have more money then they should. Progressive taxes addresses the ills of income inequality.

Lanny McDonalds Mustache: I'm going to bill you for this waste of time, Hair. Seriously. And I'm fucking expensive. Hair, do you know that when you take money away from the rich, you also take money away from the poor? Capital investments raise the standard of living faster than the consumption spending you seem to be advocating. Did you know, Hair, that capital investment is fucking expensive? Do poor and middle class people tend to buy a lot of copper mines? Do you know how many fucking jobs a copper mine creates?

Charlie Simmers Hair: Thats another thing, Mustache. Progressive taxes allow the...

Lanny McDonalds Mustache: Shut up, comrade, just shut up. Ive had enough of your juvenile gobblygook. You've bored the audience half-to-death with your 'Im-jealous-of-rich-people' diatribe. Let's get real, so I can get out of here and get back to selling cars. You talk about 'fairness', Hair, well, let's get to what's fair. If everyone is taxed at the same rate, wouldn't that be more fair than taxing people at different rates, just cuz? And 15% from a guy who makes $100 dollars is $15, and its $150,000 for someone who makes a million dollars. And because the tax is a flat rate, the tax code, which is thousands of pages right now, can be reduced to one, which would add value to everything anyone produces because it would be a permanent efficiency. I mean, it's like you've never even heard of the 'Laffer Curve', Hair.

Charlie Simmers Hair: Well to that point...

Lanny McDonalds Mustache: No, that's it, we are done. Sorry, Hair, but I don't have any more time. Again, I work for a living, I don't get to call Flames games and collect a paycheque and call it work. If Lanny's Mustache wants to eat, Lanny's Mustache has to hustle.

Charlie Simmers Hair: Well now, it's not as easy as it seems. I have to call the game with Peter Loubardias. Do you know how much opium I have to smoke to get through that?
And that concludes Domebeers first ever 'Great Hair Debate'. I have to say that I think Lanny McDonald's Mustache won that one. I mean, Jacobin smack? Who does that? Insane, Lanny's Mustache, but in a goood way. Im sorry we had to keep him that long, seeing as he has cars to sell.

Oh, its NHL trade deadline day today, you say? How can you tell? Do you think the Flames complete their set of 'Soft & Overpaid' players collection and pick up any Oiler what-so-ever?

Furthermore, I think Peter Loubardias should be fired.


  1. Not sure what the tax debate has to do with anything.

    Enjoy Staios!

  2. I was in class for the day, and since I really couldnt cover Trade Deadline, I thought I'd do something crazy. I hope some people got at least a chuckle out of it. This is also the first time I've been able to comment on my own site in a week.

  3. That was awesome!! Lanny's mustache owned Simmer's rug.

    Keep it up.

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