Thursday, March 18, 2010

15 Questions With: The Road Tie

1) Domebeers: How are you, Road Tie?

Road Tie: I am quite well, thank you. I am very pleased to be back in the city where I made my name.

2) Domebeers: Well, what have you been doing with yourself?

Road Tie: Actually, it's a delightful anecdote. When Darryl relocated to upper management, I wasn't really needed in the city anymore, and so I decided I would slum it in the minors, so to speak. I travelled quite a bit in my youth, and I was quite excited to be getting an opportunity to do so again. It was during one of my adventures, through Newfoundland, that I found myself in the need for various sundry items. I headed over to the Red Circle Convenience Store, where who would I run into, but one time Flame prospect Dan Ryder. I must tell you, Domebeers, that I was indeed displeased by being mugged by that coke addled miscreant, and I promptly informed the RCMP about what shameful act he committed. The Mounties moved me into Witness Protection, which is why you don't have a picture of me to go with this interview.

3) Domebeers: Heavy stuff, Road Tie. How did the wife react?  

Road Tie: Wives, actually. I have 3 of them. Diora BirdAmerica Olivo, and of course, La Toya Jackson. They were just pleased I wouldn't have to spend so much time around Conroys wife anymore.

4) Domebeers: So it is true you are a polygamist. I read that in the tabloids. I have also read that the reason Playfair is still in the orginization is that he has pictures of you and the Tony Amonte Big Goofy Red Tie in a Bavarian shower with one Joseph Ratzenberger?

Road Tie: Haha, well, umm... I am not here to talk about the past.

5) Domebeers: So, Road Tie, it is a Saturday night. What are you getting up to?

Road Tie: Well, it depends, my good chap. The first 3 weekends are divided between the wives. Bird loves Asian food and culture, so I'll take her out for some chow mein, and after words, we will Sumo, if you catch my drift. Olivo is, what do the kids call it, hyphy? She is very hyphy. I'll take her out ghost riding, she loves that. La Toya is a much more conservative woman. We usually spend our date nights at the plastic surgery clinic. Lovely girl. When I get a Saturday free to myself, I enjoy spending it with good friends. Last week, for instance, Harvey the Hounds Tongue and I just went driving.

6) Domebeers: What is the last movie you saw?

Road Tie: Emanuel. I am very much interested in French cinema.

7) Domebeers: That's a little icky, Road Tie. What music are currently listening too?

Road Tie: Well, La Toya is getting me into this rap music. The children all call me an O.G., which I hope means something other than obnoxiously grotesque.

8) Domebeers: Mayor Bronconnier is retiring. Any thoughts on running for Mayor?

Road Tie: Ha, and risk an iced out Danny Ryder showing up at City Hall? I don't think it is in the cards, which is unfortunate. Have you seen the caliber of people who are vying to replace that loser you call a Mayor? I don't know if the collective brain wattage of that group of twits could power an Easy Bake Oven.

9) Domebeers: Tough words for the council. Hey, Road Tie, what has Green Hard Hat been up too?

Road Tie: Well, you know Green Hard Hat was always interested in finance. He actually got a job at Fannie Mae, and promptly started buying up all the securitized debt that he could get his hands on. After loading up Fannie's balance sheet with all that exotic paper, Green Hard Hat left the company and started his own firm on Wall Street. When the crash happened, he shorted the banks all the way to a billion dollars in his personal bank account. My boy!

10) Domebeers: What is your opinion on the Flames?

Road Tie: They are alright. I'm not really here to talk ill on my former employer, good chap. I am much more interested in the topic of 'me'.

11) Of course. Speaking of you, there are rumours that you and Lanny McDonalds Mustache have some beef. Care to tell the story?

Road Tie: First off, it is 'moustache' my good chap. Well, as you all are no doubt aware, Lannys Moustache is married to Halle Berry, who I have known since she was 17. Because of our relationship, I would often stay at Berry's house when I was travelling on the East Coast. Lannys Moustache is of course prone to fantastic pangs of jealousy. He has trust issues, I think. His mom really did a number on him. Anyways, he came to her house one day to find Berry and I in bed together. It wasn't what it looked like. I had simply slipped, but Lannys Moustache went insane and started trashing the house. I barely got out of there intact. Our relationship hasn't been the same since.

12) Domebeers: What is your opinion on Brent Sutters ties?

Road Tie: Well, if you google search Road Tie you won't find me, but if you search for Brents you will find them. People love a car crash. I don't wish to demean the man too much, but with ties like that, it is obvious his wife hates him. Why else would she let him leave the house with those things on? He doesn't help his cause by insisting to wear brown suits. Honestly, what type of douche bag wears a brown suit? And did you see that blue and yellow sparkling monstrosity he had on the other day? U-G-L-Y.

13) Domebeers: Favourite Sutter story?

Road Tie: None that I can talk about without getting you shut down, Domebeers. Although it is fairly innocuous, last time I was in the Calgary, we did go cow tipping. Boy, was she mad.

14) Domebeers: What do you think about Peter Loubardias?

Road Tie: You mean 'SKEEEYORES' boy? The Crypt Keeper? The Most Boring Man In The World? A man so awful that he could make Helen Keller call the suicide hotline? I think he is just wonderful.

15) Domebeers: Would you rather lick ass or toes?

Road Tie: I am just a tie, Domebeers. I can't even talk. That's more of a question for Charlie Simmers Hair.
...

If you don't know what (who?) Darryl Sutters Road Tie is, this gag might not work so well. Oh well, don't be a bandwagoner and you can avoid not getting inside jokes.

Good win for the boys last night. Keeps hope alive, which is about all you can ask for at this point. Kotalik sucks, and on top of that he takes penalties. I don't get that trade at all. Joker could at least play against a teams 3rd line, and was off the books at the end of the year.

Furthermore, I think Peter Loubardias should be fired.

6 comments:

  1. i've been on the fence about this blog, but this particular post has booted me over the edge on the "i like it" side.

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  2. The Road Tie needs to get its head out of its ass

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  3. Another Domebeer-aholic. Sexy.

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