Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Peter Loubardias Interview (Part Two)

I don't know if you know this or not, but Peter Loubardias likes to drone on and on and fucking on. Interviewing the guy is like reading Tolstoy (How many Russian princes does Napoleon have to kill? We get it, already!): Stories that go on and on, and a cast of characters of thousands. Seriously, this guy name drops more than Pete Maher. Its embarrassing.

I've broken up the interview into several parts, in the interest of trying to clean up the rambling narrative Loubardias provided. Part one went yesterday, and in it Peter talked about his new tattoo, his relationship with Roger Millions, and the thrill he has working with Charlie Simmers hair. Today, we focus on Peter Loubardias, the person.
...

Domebeers: So Peter, have you ever had a 'Domebeer?

Peter Loubardias: Never. Only degenerate sinners drink. This generations Foster Hewitt doesn't let the devils juice touch his golden vocal chords.

Dombeers: Your referring to yourself in the third person now? Ok. Um, so no alcohol? Ever?

Peter Loubardias: Are you hard of hearing? Never. I'm drier than the Queens royal snatch.

Domebeers: Why is it that someone who never drinks chose to chronicle hockey players for a living?

Peter Loubardias: Puckbunnies! SKEEEYORES!

Domebeers: Wow, Peter. I didn't know you were such a character. On TV you come off as a stiff, boyscoutish tool.

Peter Loubardias: I'm this generations Foster Hewitt, bitch. I don't need your fucking respect. Matter of fact, Domebeers, you keep asking stupid questions and you'll be gone faster than a line of coke around the Kostitsyns.

Domebeers: Are you wound up this much all the time? If you don't drink, how do you keep the edge off?

Peter Loubardias: I do what any red blooded Saskatchewan male does: shoot heroin!

Domebeers: Only degenerate sinners drink, and you shoot heroin. Right, no contradictions there. Well, when you aren't shooting heroin, what do you do for fun?

Peter Loubardias: Well, I've taken to digging up the graves at the cemetery...

Domebeers: Oh, god...

Peter Loubardias: Your not one of them prudes are you?

Domebeers: No, but...

Peter Loubardias: Good. So I dig up the grave, and if the corpses family was stupid enough to bury it with any jewelry or anything like that, I take it. Victimless crime, whats the big deal? If the corpse is fresh enough, I'll take it down to the Hot Stove Lounge and, uh, test out its five hole.

Domebeers: ...I think I'm going to be sick.

Peter Loubardias: Stop interrupting me. Don't you know I'm this generations Foster Hewitt? SKEEEYORES!

...
I will end it there for today. Peter is a pretty reserved, for a TV guy. That's really what I'm taking away from this interview. Maybe I will be able to get him to open up a bit more.

So, Team Canada, your playing the Nazi's in hockey today, eh? Could you do me a favour and beat those teutonic barbarians by, I don't know, 35 goals? You know, destroy them like they were Berlin, or something. Thanks!

Also: Sandros gone. Should I be mad we couldn't resign the kicker? Probably not. Bon voyage, Sandro:



Furthermore, I think Peter Loubardias should be fired.

1 comment:

  1. Not at all funny, but great try though. I think you should be fired.

    Ken Geisbrecht

    ReplyDelete